Sunday, January 28, 2007

SUCK it!

If you enjoy a good video of one dog humping another dog's face, then check this out. Complete with soundtrack. Unfortunately, this is not my dog.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Odd Lots

I can't believe I hammered out this quality post including a) my dog, and b) porn, featuring the O-Ring Blowout, and no one seems to care. What's the matter with you people?!?! No one had a comment on this subject?
Chops called me a poker blogger today. At least he did it in a post about porn. As Vortex constantly reminds me, I stopped writing about poker long ago - which is probably a good thing. However, Jay Greenspan did send me this stellar video today. Check it out - quality stuff.
And speaking of poker, Soxlover proved he can still talk trash, as he taunted some online cockchugger with barbs I appreciated so much I'll repost them here:
devinr12: dude i am a professional poker player
devinr12: i play 5-10NL
SoxLover: that is sad
SoxLover: you totally dropped out of college didn't you?
devinr12: actually yeah
SoxLover: lol. wow
SoxLover: i feel like i should dump to you, your life is going to suck so bad
until next time,

Monday, January 22, 2007

Michael Vick... Really... and Oscar humping

A funny SnL skit for once! Actually, it's not a skit, but a segment from Weekend Update, regarding Michael Vick's encounter with authorities in the Miami Airport.


My dog Oscar had a friend over a few weeks ago - a Puli named Arnold. Pulis are totally bizarre dogs - like walking mops, but Oscar didn't mind - he tried to take Arnold down...

Notice the look of determination/desperation in Oscar's eyes as he tried to hump his much bigger prey. He couldn't even figure out which end was which on Arnold, who was more interested in raiding Oscar's toy basket. Later, Oscar wooed Arnold over to his bed and hit him hard, just like daddy taught him.

Yep. This is my life.

Check out Chops' new site, It's an I-TV channel with all sorts of legit original programming, from Gavin Smith and Joe Sebok talking prop bets, to interviews with clown pornographers, to a segment with the real life John Anthony himself, Brandon Lang.

Finally, today's NY Times had an article about the effects of high definition programming on the porn industry. The article can be summed up by the quote from starlet Stormy Daniels: "The biggest problem is razor burn." 'Nuff said. The article continues:

Ms. Daniels is also a skeptic: “I’m not 100 percent sure why anyone would want to see their porn in HD,” she said.

Hey Stormy, I loved you in Camp Cuddly Pines: Powertool Massacre. Which brings me to another point - check out that IMDB listing for CampCuddlyPines. Poor Keri Sable's role is listed as merely "Porn Slut." Wow. I mean, talk about telling it like it is. I felt a little bad for her, until I clicked on her bio. (go ahead - do it - there is no chance you can read her list of credits without laughing - even I laughed out loud when I got to "O-Ring Blowout") I quickly realized that, judging by the titles of her "films," it's clearly a role she was born to play. I wonder if Keri asks people "DYKWTIFA?!??!! I'm PORN SLUT!!!"

It also seems a bit odd that there are now porn stars who were born in the late 1980's. I mean, I'm not familiar with Keri Sable's work, but when I think of the years of the 80's, I always think of what the Topps baseball cards looked like each year, and who the hot cards were. Yeah - you remember the 1986 Topps - with the team name in big bold letters across the top of the card? I feel like if I were watching Keri in action, knowing she was born in 1986, I wouldn't be able to get that image of a young Rocket Roger Clemens out of my head.

until next time,


Sunday, January 21, 2007

That'll Move the Chains

Wow. What a fucking game.
I could bitch about the officiating - how Reche Caldwell didn't get the same endzone pass interference call that Reggie Wayne did - but that really wasn't the difference in the game. Indy moved the ball at will in the third quarter, and turned a home embarrassment into an epic shootout.
Unfortunately, a ridiculous roughing the passer penalty on Tully Banta-Cain, who tapped Peyton Manning on the head on the Colts' final drive, setting them up to run the ball in, rather than having to throw it, was the real black mark on the game. I mean seriously - Peyton is like paper mache - if he gets hit, he collapses, trying to draw a flag. He didn't even flinch on this play, and given the situation, the flag was ridiculous.
Indy may well have won the game anyway, but they would have won it as it should have been: a game tying field goal as time expired, followed by the storybook OT ending...
Adam Vinatieri lines up to kick a 55 yard game winner in overtime... Nantz and Sims point out that he's never missed in the RCA dome... We get a close up of Belichick... We get a close up of Vinatieri - chewing gum - nonchalant... We hear Phil Simms mention for the 45th time "I bet the Patriots wish they'd re-signed Adam Vinatieri right about now." It's pure cliche... They'd talk about how important the holder was - Hunter Smith... The snap would come - CBS would broadcast it in real-time-super-slow mo. The snap... the placement... the kick - then we'd get a split screen of Tony Dungy, wide eyed, following the ball, nervously sidestepping down the line... Adam Vinatieri's follow through, head down, coming up, immediately jumping in the air, knowing it's good... Bill Belichick on the Patriots' sideline, stoic, eyes barely moving, expression not changing... and as the ball sliced the uprights,the Indy fans storming the field, having finally vanquished their nemesis by beating the Patriots with their own weapon.
That's how it should have ended.
The worst officiating call of the postseason was in the NFC Championship game - the inexplicable New Orleans fumble on the kickoff - even after the play was challenged, and the replay showed that the return man was down: his knees, hips, elbows, AND shoulder on the ground before Chicago ripped the ball away - the Bears were still awarded the ball on this pivotal play. Ridiculous.
I think Indy will destroy Chicago in the Super Bowl. Lay the 7 points, and after that, lay 'em again.
until next time,

Sunday, January 14, 2007

What Were You Thinking Part II

Remember the theme in Jurassic Park, where you couldn't contain evolution, because it "would find a way" ? That's what the Patriots are like. If you haven't figured it out by now, they find a way to win. The key in this game was pretty much Charger coach Marty Schottenheimer, who should retire immediately on account of gross incompetence. You could see the wheels coming off when Marty challenged a 3-sigma turning point play where Brady threw an interception on 4th down, but the Chargers fumbled the ball back to New England on the same play! When Marty donned the headset, you knew it was all over. The timeout Schottenheimer wasted probably would have been useful in the end... when instead he was forced to send out Keading to attempt a 54 yard field goal.
How did it get to that point? Let's see... Schottenheimer declined to attempt a 47 yard field goal early on in a 4th and 11 situation, instead settling for a 7 yard sack on fourth down - nice hand sir. After making Brady look like an incompetent rookie throughout the first half, San Diego allowed him to revert to the Championship Brady for the final two minutes of the first half, where he led the Pats on a 2 minute drill touchdown drive which kept them in the game. San Diego fumbled a punt... San Diego had an incomprehensible personal foul penalty which extended a Patriots drive. Brady threw 3 interceptions, but San Diego was unable to capitalize on them... San Diego started with the ball 1) at midfield, 2) at the Patriot 47 yard line, 3) at their own 41 yard line, 4) at the Patriot 32 yard line, and 5) at their own 40 yard line on drives in which they scored ZERO points. And Tom Brady did just enough when it mattered to lead his team to victory.
Oh - and the second dumbest coaching decision of the day came from Chicago Bears Coach Lovie Smith: After sacking Seattle QB Matt Hasselback near his own 45 yard line with under 20 seconds left in the first half, Lovie let the clock run down to 2 seconds before calling timeout. Maybe he figured that he'd be forcing Seattle to punt to his lethal return man Devin Hester. On the other hand, maybe Lovie is retarded: if he called timeout right after the sack, Seattle would have had to punt. Instead, they dropped back for a final free-roll hail mary attempt, which ended harmlessly with Hasselback throwing the ball out of bounds - but that doesn't make Lovie's decision any less idiotic.
Quotes of the weekend: I believe it was Dick Stockton who said "they threw that right at Ed Reed - the human ball magnet," which was trumped only by Phill Simms: "If you've never played against Tom Brady, he really likes to stick it into some tight places."
Well said gentlemen.
Go Pats!

WHAT were you THINKING!??!?!

Seriously, Sean Payton, what the fuck were you thinking?
The Saints, five point home favorites, are up by 3 with the ball on the Philadelphia 30 yard line and 3:30 left in the game. Every gambler in the world is working out the scenario: New Orleans will run the ball a few times, run some time off the clock, and kick a field goal to go up by 6 and cover the spread. The main risk to holders of "New Orleans - 5" is that the Saints are too successful with their drive and manage to make a few first downs and run the clock out without needing the field goal. There is simply no way the Saints are going to put themselves in position to turn the ball over though...
Umm... Sean - did you watch this game? Remember on the second play of the game when Reggie Bush caught a quick out pass and almost got decapitated by Sheldon Brown??? Bush tried to stand up, but ended up crawling to the sidelines, looking like he may roll over and die. I made the immediate injury line:
ruptured spleen: 3-1
broken back: 15-1
dislocated shoulder: 2-1
collapsed lung: 5-1
crapped pants: even money
So, the point is, Bush was right to be keeping an eye on the hard hitting Philly defenders - which means he doesn't have both eyes on the ball - which means that when you pitch the ball to him, and he's worried about getting hit so hard that he craps his pants again, it becomes a high risk play.
Bush fumbled the pitch, and Philly took over with a chance to tie the game. Unfortunately, the NFL Saints conspiracy kicked in, and Philly's miracle 4th down conversion was called back on some bullshit offensive penalty, which resulted in Philly facing a 4th and 15 from their own 35 yard line with about 1:45 on the clock. Philly Coach Andy Reid decides to kick the ball away!
Didn't you notice that New Orleans was pretty much running all over you, and that all they'd need was one first down to clinch the game? Did you really think that the combined chances of a) a fumble on the punt return or b) your defense putting together a 3 play defensive stand while allowing only 40 seconds to run off the clock (because you only had two timeouts), forcing a Saints punt, and driving down the field for a game tying field goal in under a minute were better than the chances of going for it on 4th and 15?
Didn't you realize that even if you don't convert on 4th and 15, the Saints are barely on the edge of field goal range, so you can STILL play the "three and out" defense plan!??!?
Anyway, the Eagles punted, the Saints garnered a first down, ran out the clock and won the game. Nice hand Andy Reid.
I really cannot understand why the Seattle Seahawks, the defending NFC champs, are 9.5 point underdogs against a Chicago team who's biggest problem is their own quarterback. Anything could happen in this game. Chicago could win by 21, or Seattle could come out on top - and that means I'm taking the points. It's odd that this seems like a total trap game, but everyone likes Chicago! Maybe Chi-town IS the trap!
until next time,

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Poker Lessons - FREE! Today!

I know, I know - you don't want to read about poker, so I'll throw some other tidbits in to reward you. For example, today's winners of "best searches that Kid Dynamite's World came up in"
1) IROC Revere, MA
I mean seriously - If I get to the point where people associate EITHER IROCs, or Revere with this site, I'll know I've finally made it.
2) Annie Duke smelly
Who knew?!?!
Here's a bit of table talk you can use if you ever want to simply make your tilting, trash talking opponent shut the fuck up: Last night in the Big Game, Z was tilting severely after steaming off stacks of black chips by repeatedly bluffing into Money, who held big hands each time, and simply smooth called all the way.
Z raged at Money, and Money, stacking towers of chips, simply replied: "Z, you give me the book, I'll read it, and then we'll come back and play again." ZING! Game. Set. Match.
Now on to the lessons: The game I'm playing in is crazy. 5-5 NL, with deep stacks ($2k average, I have about $1k). This is a game where it's common to limp for $5, and then cold call a raise to $200. It completely defies logic. Most of the players in this game will take top pair to the felt (for 400 big blinds!), and two pair is basically the nuts. I was lucky enough to see a flop in a 7 way unraised pot holding 3-3 in the cutoff. The flop came 4-4-3.
Three players checked to Vin, to my immediate right, who made a suspiciously small $15 bet. Normally he'd bet $50 here. I elected to smooth call, and Billy, a true old school grinder on the button, raised to $60. Everyone folded back to me, including Vin. I elected to smooth call again. When the turn brought an Ace (and a 2 flush), I checked, and Billy glared at me before checking. The river was an offsuit nine, and I overbet the pot: $200. Billy sighed, acknowledged "this is a big laydown," and mucked. I cringed. He said "Do you like crabs?" I nodded subtly. He admitted that he did indeed have a 4. Now - Billy is a top notch player, but let's look real quick at what went wrong in this hand:
1) If I read Vin as strong, instead of smooth calling to trap him in position, I should have raised his flop bet, as I'd do with any overpair to see where I stood, and as I'd do in almost any normal game. After all, there's no way he's folding a 4 anyway. I let the aggression of the game cloud my judgement into thinking that my opponents would always be doing my betting for me. This is definitely not true out of position against Billy, who I was ignoring.
2) Once I smooth called the flop raise from Billy, I was essentially fucked. Even if I re-raised Billy when it got back to me, my play is so suspicious to him. Unfortunately, he's the only player at the table who is capable of putting together the pieces: There's no way I smooth call with an overpair. I'm guessing he had 4-5 suited, and while it's conceivable that I could smooth call with A-4 or 4-3, both of those hands have him crushed once the ace comes off on the turn.
So the moral of the story is: think before you slowplay. I'm trying to allow someone to "catch up" or bluff at me, but I'm likely to get action from a four or an overpair anyway if I let my hand play itself and raise. My "double slowplay" was transparent to a good player like Billy.
Vin and I later clashed on the following hand, where I again made mistakes:
5 handed, Vin makes it $30 to go blind from the button. I call with JsTs in the SB.
flop: A-7-5 with one spade. I check, Vin thinks about betting, but gives me a wry grin, and checks. He knows I'll check to him with the intention of checkraising.
turn: Q of spades, giving me a gutshot draw and a flush draw. I bet out $60 (relevant stack sizes are around $675), and Vin pauses to look at his cards for the first time. He takes 30 seconds, and announces a raise to $200. I can clearly raise, fold or call here, and I elect to just call. Vin is perfectly capable of calling me with just a 5 if I move in here, and I have no idea what he has. I basically think that I have 12 outs to the nuts (any king or spade) and 6 outs to pair my J or T which will also likely make me good.
River: Q of clubs. This is actually a pretty good card for me. Was Vin really representing a queen when he raised the turn? I don't think so - I think he was representing "You play rock tight in this game, and I'm going to use my position to take this pot from you."
I consider betting, but I decide I have the best hand, and I will check and see what happens - ready to snap off a bluff from Vin. Vin thinks for a full minute - looks like he's about to check (I get the vibe he's about to surrender a busted draw) - and then he comes out firing: $300.
Now, I immediately realize my mistake. Jack high is not a hand to snap of bluffs with. (Cue Ellix Powers: HE CALLED ME WITH JACK HIGH!) Based on my read here, I have a strong feeling that my hand is best - but if that's the case I should simply bet the river. The problem is that part of my read came from the way Vin acted AFTER I checked, so it's new info. I know Vin thinks I'm weak, and is likely to use his position to bully me, but I decide that I'll have a better opportunity, and eventually muck, telling him "you have NO idea how close to calling you I was - with jack high." He claimed that he was "open ended" and missed, and that all I had to do was bet the river. I gave him this pot. Regardless of whether Vin is telling the truth or not, I think a river bet is correct. Checking to induce a bluff with my hand is asinine, and also allowed me to get cold feet and abandon the pot.
Fortunately, I did find a good opportunity later, when we clashed in a $2100 pot which I scooped with two pair.
I'm looking forward to this weekend's stellar lineup of NFL action. I like all the underdogs, except New Orleans - if you want to use the Kid Dynamite Contrary Indicator.
until next time,

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Place Your Bets

In my quest to improve on my freakish symmetry, I've been working out. Core work - not pumping iron, but it's serious shit. So, a few weeks after my last session with the trainer, he approaches me in the gym:
"When do you want to do another session?" He wants to admire my freakish symmetry, clearly.
"Umm, what did you have in mind?" I fear him
"POWER LIFTING," He's not joking.
Fuck. I did deadlifts - ONCE. About 15 years ago. Torqued my hamstrings so bad that I never did them again. Nowadays, I'm 30, with creaking body parts all over: neck kinks, shoulder problems, knee problems, back problems, and perpetual various muscle malodies. So I was working with Big Show to try to set the proper lines on odds of injuring various body parts:
Hammy: 1-5
Knee: 2-1
Back: 1-1
Groin: 2-1
Neck/Shoulder: 3-1
Calf: 6-1
Quad: 4-1
Lat: 6-1
Field (Earlobe, toe, finger, O-ring, scrotum, hammer): 8-1
Now I know what you're thinking: "Kid Dynamite, how can anyone injure their hammer while they are working out?" Well, let me tell you. Back in the day, which was about 1996, Me and Big Show were lifting, doing lateral dumbell raises with old school hexagonal dumbells. Go ahead, click on that link right now, enjoy the avatar, and try to anticipate what is coming next...
Yes - on the down motion, I accidentally (talk about fucking REDUNDANT) clapped the tip of my hammer between the two dumbells. Believe me: this is a mistake you only make once in your life.
I distinctly remember trying to maintain my composure as I froze, calmly put the weights back on the rack, and slowly limped to the bathroom to assess the damage: an immediate purple bruise. Thankfully, it still worked and there was no lasting damage.
Someday, Chops and I are going to write a top notch screenplay based on the lives of Kid Dynamite and the Wicked Chops Crew. With adventures like these, who needs fiction.
until next time,

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Seattle Sigma-Hawks

If you told me that Seattle would look like crap at home against the hapless Cowboys, and would blow their chance to tie the game by falling victim to a four down goal line stand by Dallas, only to promptly come up with a safety off of a Terry Glenn fumble, and then a quick touchdown where they'd miss the two point conversion and then allow Dallas to drive the length of the field to the point where the officials reviewed the spot of a 3rd down play which would have given Dallas a first down on the one yard line, but instead with the new spot resulted in Dallas going to kick the game wining field goal with under a minute left, but Romo botched the hold yet still scrambled for what looked like a first down, yet everyone was so shocked that Dallas had blown the field goal attempt that not one word was said about the fact that Romo may have scrambled for the first down anyway, especially considering that the prior play had been reviewed for two minutes and then reversed - I would have told you that you were fucking crazy. But it happened. (Run on sentence inspired by the immortal Bobby Bracelet)
Most interesting is what would have happened if Dallas had actually been awarded first and goal at the one from Whitten's third down catch: Seattle had one timeout left, and basically would have had to let Dallas into the endzone to have any chance of getting the ball back with time on the clock. Dallas, however, knows this, and would have likely refused to score a touchdown - at least until they had run time off the clock by kneeling on the ball - holding Seattle hostage to the clock. Parcells confirmed as much in his postgame press conference. It would have been super-sigmalicious if this is the way it went down, and THEN Dallas botched the field goal (after refusing to walk into the endzone for a touchdown in favor of running down the clock.)
The game would have achieved FULL SIX SIGMA STATUS if Sean Alexander had broken for a 99 yard touchdown to cover the spread (somewhere between SEA-3 and SEA-1.5, depending on when you got down) on Seattle's final drive, rather than his 20 yard scamper that merely sealed the victory.
It is so much fun watching football with Mrs. Dynamite. She comes up with intelligent questions that normal fans don't think of. Examples:
1) "Why is the field in such bad shape - they have so much money, why don't they re-sod it every week?" (After seeing highlights from last week's Pats-Titans game from Tennessee on Inside the NFL)
2) "What is a standard day in the life of an NFL player like?" Scott and I told her, "They work out, they watch films," but she pressed us for exact hours spent doing each agenda item, from wake-up to bedtime.
3) "When they have a road game, what day do they arrive in the other city?" In fact, I have no idea. I guessed Thursday.
Unfortunately, Mrs. D only lasted for the first half of the Seattle-Dallas game.
Watching four football games over two days will really result in commercial repeat tilt. I cannot stand the rock-em-sock-em robots Dodge Ram commercial, or any of the commercials for NBC's sign-of-the-apocalypse show "Armed and Famous" (that's a whole post in its own right). However, I love the "fake postgame press conference" commercials for Coors Light, featuring Jim Mora (PLAYOFFS?!?!?!) and Mike Ditka ("He hits the hole hard"). They never get old.
Oh - I almost forgot. I was browsing the cable listings after the Giants-Eagles game ended, and I couldn't help but laugh out loud when I came across "Eat My Black Meat 3" on one of the pay per view channels. Nothing like telling it like it is. No need for fancy titles.
until next time,