Redirecting

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Blowjobs, Mortgages and Responsibility

You never complain about a blowjob. Cardinal rule right? Similarly, you should never try to blame someone else if you can't pay your mortgage. I'll expound more on that analogy in a moment.
There are some tough times in America these days due to the stalling and deflation of a massive housing bubble and leverage bubble that resulted in many people taking out mortgages and home equity loans they couldn't afford. I got fired up yesterday when I saw people protesting outside of Bear Stearns with signs that said things like "BAIL US OUT OF OUR MORTGAGES" and "CLOSE YOUR ACCOUNT AT CHASE" in protest of JP Morgan's purchase of the flailing Bear Stearns.
Guess what - if you can't afford your mortgage, you should NOT be outside of Bear Stearns protesting that "bailout." You should get another fucking job so that you can pay your mortgage. The employees of Bear Stearns didn't get bailed out of anything - many of them lost or will lose their jobs, and all of them lost 90%+ of their net worth in any stock they held - which is frequently a huge proportion (50%-75% and up) of their compensation. The Federal Reserve stepped in and facilitated this deal to preserve the sanity of our banking system as we know it. If they had not done so, the consequences would be far worse - and the term "bailout" is a total misnomer: Bear Stearns is done - kaput.
Now, let me get back to my frustration with the typical American blame game. The term "predatory lending" has been widely used as an excuse to why people cannot afford to pay their mortgages - they are "victims" of the evil ways of the mortage companies. I'll start with this claim: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS PREDATORY LENDING! The term predatory lending is an oxymoron. By definition, if someone is LENDING you money, YOU are the debtor - you should be thankful that someone decided to trust you with their money and assume you would repay it - no one makes money by lending money to people who cannot repay it. That is a simple fact.
Similarly, there is no such thing as a predatory blowjob. If someone is kind enough to offer you a blowjob, you can weigh the benefits and risks in your head, and decide what you want to do - but if you get red bumps on your hammer 5 days later, you can't blame the cockchugger: that was a risk that you took, but you are never a "victim" when you get a blowjob. Similarly, when the rate on your mortgage resets 5 years later, you can't blame the lender: that was clearly written in the contract you signed. The girl who was kind enough to throw a free bj at you may turn out to be psycho and call you 20 times a day - hey, that's a risk you took, and don't be surprised when the bank calls you 20 times a day to get back the money they were kind enough to LEND you. At least the risks with the mortgage aren't surprises - they are clearly laid out for you in a contract.
Now, I posted the clip from SuperBad because I realized it's perfect to illustrate this point. Evan has been desperately wanting to hook up with Becca for the whole year, and now he has his chance, as she's wasted and throwing herself at him. Back to the mortgage situation: were the mortgage brokers negligent? Absolutely - they gave loans to people who NEVER SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE! See, the mortgage brokers are Becca - they got drunk and exercised bad judgement, throwing themselves at the Evan's of the world. Unfortunately, the average American doucheball didn't exercise Evan's good judgement and realize that maybe they were doing something that would cause problems down the road: instead they just fucked Becca - they took the mortgage that was out of their league.
Then, a few years later, when it turned out they couldn't flip their house for a profit, couldn't afford the loan anymore, or were shocked that the interest rate increased (as per the contract they SIGNED!), they wanted to blame Becca. Hey Becca - you never should have blown me - it's all your fault! Meanwhile, Becca is trying to care for her infant son, she got kicked out of her parents' home, and has Chlamydia (see, the mortgage companies got fucked too - their business basically evaporated).
And this whole notion of people LOSING their homes - let's explore an alternate SuperBad universe to clarify this one: Evan decides NOT to use good judgement and lets Becca throw herself at him. They start to hook up, but then Becca sobers up and realizes she's making a mistake, puts her clothes on and leaves. Does Evan have a legitimate gripe? Well, he's got blueballs, and he's frustrated that Becca is a "tease," but he knows damn well that he never should have been lucky enough to get some of her action in the first place! The fact that she screwed up and gave him a litte taste before she came to her senses is a BONUS for him! If you lose your home because you can no longer afford a mortgage that YOU NEVER SHOULD HAVE BEEN GIVEN IN THE FIRST PLACE - guess what - you have no gripe!!! You had a freeroll for a little while, and got to own a home you shouldn't have. Now you have to give it back.
This is particularly frustrating for me, because I did NOT buy an apartment in New York City, since I correctly didn't count on values continuing to increase at rapid paces, and I didn't think I'd be able to afford it. Now, having exercised good judgement, I'm stuck paying sky high rents while those who bought homes they couldn't afford want to have someone else bail them out.
Come on people - wake up and take responsibility. Blowjobs and mortgages are both fantastic, generous things, and must be treated with respect and reverence, lest they go wrong when you try to take advantage of them.
until next time,
KD

12 comments:

dstrack said...

Nice analogy! BSC employee bonuses were actually capped at 50% stock (typically 30-50% of their total comp)... Awesome post.

StB said...

there is no such thing as a predatory blowjob

Ha! Well said!

Clarkus said...

Finally someone who said what I've felt this whole time. No one is holding themselves accountable. They want to government to do everything for them. Those people should move to Europe, work 23 hours a week and pay 55% taxes.

Drizztdj said...

Beautifully put sir.

In fact I'm going to go demand another blowjob right now!

Gnome said...

I'm not going to write about this in a public forum, but there is such a thing as a predatory blowjob. Trust me.

HighOnPoker said...

I couldn't for the life of me figure out the whole Bear Stearns fiasco, but now I realize that it was all about blowjobs and teen movies. Thanks KD!

Fuel55 said...

One of your best dude.

TheChairman said...

KD,

I've been sort of curious as to your take on this situation. I'd like to point out a little flaw in your Super Bad metaphor:

Becca is virginal and, ostensibly, has nothing to gain from any BJ encounter other than her enjoyment of the act (which includes the enjoyment of providing enjoyment). A lending institution, however, doesn't give a shit about their own enjoyment; they're getting paid. So in this case, a better analogy would be a hooker offering you a blow job -- someone who's got a clear financial interest in the act occurring.

If the hooker offering you a blow job knows that she's sure to leave you with warts, then she's doing something that's knowingly destructive.

To an extent, that's where some blame, I think, can be given to the lenders. They sought out unsophisticated people who THEY KNEW would be in huge trouble if they took the loan, but they did it anyway because it generated fees.

Should these people have been smarter and more sophisticated. Of course. Do they deserve a bailout? No way. Not with my tax money. But let's be clear that smart industries can be "predatory" of unsophisticated people.

I want to be clear that there's a real distinction in my mind between some relatively poor, poorly educated people, and the people who were flipping and speculating. I think they all deserve what's coming to the, but I only have sympathy for the latter group.

I also think that the Fed-subsided buyout of Bear points to a desperate need for further regulation If our entire economy is dependent on these places staying in business -- and the government feels compelled to keep them moving, then we need to be protected from their excesses.

-The Fish Hunter

Kid Dynamite said...

but Chairman,
Everyone knows that there is a risk of getting warts on your junk when you get a bj from a hooker - THAT'S THE POINT!!! YOU have to be responsible for your own actions... we KNOW the hooker is in it for the money!

-KD

Dave said...

Good post.

In general, I agree with both your post and the chairman.

The problem of information asymmetry comes into play. If a hooker tells you that, yes, I have nasty, infectious cold sores but 99% of people don't get them, you may approach it differently than if they say 99% of people do.

It is the same for questionable lending practices. If the lender knows that the odds are good these people won't be able to pay them off but TELLS them that the chance of problems are tiny, then you have a bit of a problem. Sure, the people can check out the stats for themselves; however, the complexity of the loans and the details behind them can leave them blind. The idea of a fiduciary relationship is the same: you put your trust in them (and the algorithms of approval) and expect them not to screw you.

I think we can argue for the hooker and the lender the same analogy: there ain't no such thing as a fiduciary relationship. They want the money and don't give a shit if you are homeless and covered with sores. So, caveat emptor / futūtor (buyer / bj receiver beware).

Education of this kind - self-reliance and the knowledge that they know more than you and may be still trying to get some action despite the fact they are filthy - helps a lot. thanks!

Kid Dynamite said...

great comment, Dave, but again, i think you nailed it in the end: buyer beware. It's not the lender's job to make sure you can afford your loan, even though they USUALLY do that: they certainly SHOULD want to make sure that you can afford your loan, as it's THEIR money that's on the line, but the individual is responsible for their own loan!

AwesomeSean said...

Great post and the fallout continues. As someone who has spent their entire professional career as a mortgage banker let me tell you that the fault is on both sides. I agree, wholeheartedly, that folks are responsible for what they agree to repay. The problem is that all the quick hit artists came in, fucked the industry and bounced, leaving career mortgage people holding the bag. Now, the industry is a shell of what it was and nearly impossible to earn an honest living, doing loans that should be done. Repercussions? None. Keep up the good work. If you've never been to the Mermaid Festival on Coney Island, take the wife on 6/21/2008.