Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Odds & Ends

- From Benjo via Pauly comes the Angle Shoot of the Year:
"Benjo told me a hilarious story about how Bellagio hookers were trying to cash tournament chips at the cage. Apparently, a couple of horny and angle-shooting poker players removed $1,000 denomination tournament chips out of play. They used those chips to pay off hookers, who were not very bright and accepted the chips in return for sexual favors. Of course they did not read the fine print on the chips where it said it's not legal tender and only a tournament chip. Horny Poker Players 1, Dumb Hookers 0."
- The Bracelet posted a tremendous true story about his visit to the ultrasound technician to get his nutsack wanded. This story is MULTI-sigmas, and made me laugh out loud at least 3 times.
- I liked the parody better, but if you want to watch the actual Shaq rap, you can find it here. I'd embed it on this page, but it's really, really horrible.
- You should continue to check in daily with the boys at WickedChopsPoker for all the daily WSOP action, gossip and behind the scenes rumblings.

Tell 'em How My Ass Tastes!

One of my new favorite videos - these are the actual words of Shaq's rap that made headlines this weekend for "dissin'" Kobe.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Yay Capitalism!

Oh, smashing, groovy, yay capitalism! - Austin Powers
I find it shocking that our capitalist nation, the United States, keeps suggesting decidedly socialist solutions to the rising price of oil, such as interfering in the free markets that set the price, and imposing extra taxes on companies who are making money as the price of oil rises.
On the other hand, communist China comes up with the simple capitalist solution: raise prices to curb demand! What is so hard about that? "Oil prices dropped Thursday morning on reports that China is raising fuel prices, a move that could dampen the booming Asian nation's oil consumption." Associated Press 6/19/08
It troubles me that American leaders trumpet insane blame game theories about speculators being the cause of the rising prices. Oil is a global asset. Speculators do not set prices - free markets set prices. If speculators drive oil up to prices that are out of whack with the natural (supply and demand) equilibrium, the prices will come down. That's a fact - it may take longer than 3 weeks or 3 months - but it will happen - that is, if it's the fault of the speculators, which I do not believe it is.
Instead of blaming oil companies for making money, or speculators for expressing their opinions (that's all speculators do you know - they take a view on a price being too high or too low, and then sell or buy respectively. It's really no different from when anyone trades stock in their own account - we are all SPECULATING that the prices of the stocks we own will go higher), we can do things about it if we don't like the high price of oil. Buy a car that gets better gas mileage. Use public transportation. Car pool. My dad bought a fireplace fan device and a cord of wood - he'll use less heating oil this year because he'll burn wood instead - WE HAVE CHOICES!
Americans need to understand that $2.50 a gallon gasoline is not a birth right we have. Europeans pay over TWICE what we do for a gallon of gas! $8.67 a gallon in England, and $8.90/gal in Germany! If you want government subsidized gas, MOVE TO CHINA! But beware, even the communist Chinese have SENSIBLE capitalist tricks up their sleeve, and if your Hummer uses too much of their cheap fuel, they've shown that they'll take advantage of the most basic capitalist price/demand theories to restore equilibrium.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

I can't Help It

Ok, look - I WANT to pretend I'm mature enough not to giggle about this, but, fuck it - I'm not.

I went to CVS today to pick up a prescription, and there was a girl in front of me in line. Now, we've all bought condoms before, it's no big deal, but this girl had two 12 packs of Magnums in her hand, AND, here's the kicker - a bottle of Astroglide.

Now, never mind the fact that I could probably use a Trojan Magnum as a freakin' SLEEPING BAG - the sheer volume of king sized lubricated protection, combined with the need for additional friction-mitigating substance had me calmly pursing my lips.

In poker, we have the concept of multi-level thinking.

Level one: I know what my hand is. I am here to pick up a prescription for some antibiotic cream because I have knerpes - that's knee herpes: it's a simple rash on my knee (note: not really herpes)

Level two: What does my opponent have? Well, she has the tools to make for a very active weekend, with a partner who apparently has a gigantic hammer.

Level three: What does my opponent think that I have? Well, she probably doesn't know I have knerpes, cause she's in front of me in line. And I have no idea what prescription she's picking up.

Level four: What does she think that I think that she has? See, this is the fun one, cause we both know that she knows that I know that she's got two jumbo packs of Magnums and a bottle of Astroglide (thankfully, it appeared to be a normal sized bottle of Astroglide - if she had the pint sized I don't think I'd have been able to stifle a chuckle). She knows she's gonna get seriously slammed this weekend. I KNOW she's going to get seriously slammed this weekend. She knows that I'm judging her, but she may not know that I know the extent of her plans, and she's trying to act nonchalant about it.

No post about lube would be complete without the following video from Superbad:

until next time,

If You Smellllllllllllllll What Barack is Cookin!!!

Insta-favorite. The Rock Obama is much better than either The Rock, or Obama on their own.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Mmmmmmm Lesbians

So at least it's not just Americans who launch frivolous lawsuits - the below is from a article.
Three islanders from Lesbos told a court Tuesday that gay women insult their home's identity by calling themselves lesbians.

Paul Thymou, who lives on the Greek island Lesbos, protests at a gay group using the word "lesbian" in its title. The plaintiffs -- two women and a man -- are seeking to ban a Greek gay rights group from using the word "lesbian" in its name.

Also known as Mytilini, Lesbos was the home of the ancient poet Sappho, who praised love among women. It is a major travel destination for gay women. The Homosexual and Lesbian Community of Greece "causes confusion by using a geographic term in connection with (the group's) special character and social action," said Dimitris Papadelis, a lawyer representing the plaintiffs.

A spokeswoman for the group accused the plaintiffs of homophobia.

"I believe ... the other party's intentions were purely racist," Evangelia Vlami said. "They showed that what bothers them is a specific sexual orientation."

"What will they do next, sue the United Nations? They, too, use the term lesbian," Vlami said.

Plaintiff Dimitris Lambrou has insisted the lawsuit "is not an aggressive act against gay women."Lawyers from both sides are to submit written arguments on Wednesday, and the court is expected to issue its decision in the next six months.
In other signs of the pending apocalypse, Gennifer Flowers and Paula Jones are offering Internet viewers the lurid details of encounters they claim they had with former President Clinton -- for $1.99 a pop.

The women, who gained notoriety in the early 1990s after claiming to have had sexual encounters with Clinton when he was governor of Arkansas, have created a Web site offering videos of their thoughts on Clinton, his wife Hillary and other matters. Each video segment is available for $1.99.
Hey ladies - Hillary is out. No one gives a shit. I tried to find the website, but gave up after 5 minutes, since, hey - I DON'T GIVE A SHIT! In the words of Jack Nicholson's Colonel Jessup from A Few Good Men, "I'm a fair guy, but this fucking heat is making me absolutely crazy." I feel the need to quote that whenever the temperature soars to inhuman levels here in New York - 96 degrees in NYC yesterday!

Friday, June 06, 2008

These Are My Friends

I'm back in Boston for my 10 year college reunion. Walking around town today, I walked right into Kobe Bryant, being trailed by a video camera and an assortment of local Murphs and Sullys harassing him to sign stuff, which Kobe appeared to be politely refusing. I texted several of my friends: "Just walked by Kobe on the street" and within minutes got the following replies:

Big Show: "U punch him in the junk?"
Dan: "Punch him in the balls"
Jeff: "Kick him in the nuts for me"

Gotta hand it to Boston fans on their never ending desire to punch the opposing team's superstar in the junk.

Although my fanaticism for the Celtics waned in the wake of Larry Legend's retirement, I still get psyched for this finals match up with the Lakers. When I was growing up in the 80's, either the Celtics or the Lakers (and sometimes both) made the finals EVERY year in the 1980s. EVERY year. Also, in the 1960's, Bill Russell's Celtics annually pummeled the Lakers in the Finals. I guess every 20 years we get to re-enact this classic clash of NBA titans.



Tuesday, June 03, 2008

If I Were A Golfer, I'd Be Excited About This

Although I don't golf, I still get excited by innovative products like this.
In other news, the World Series of Poker has begun! Check out Chops and Pauly daily for all the updates you'll need.
Finally, if you're thinking about killing yourself, but still have a little bit of will to live, watch this video and it will put you over the edge.