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Thursday, August 10, 2006

Doucheballs

So I'm back from vacation - weekend in Nantucket and 3 days on the Cape. Oscar had the time of his life - pictures and stories to come. I'm off to Vegas on Monday for three days, and I'll have to bang out a quality post about my vacation tomorrow (along with plenty of Oscar pics - don't worry), but first, I must rant...

DOUCHEBALLS... 3 come to mind, first and foremost:

1). These fucking terrorists with the plan to blow up planes out of England. Apparently this is a big fucking deal, and these doucheballs were actually close to attempting some sort of shit, because the airlines have banning all sorts of carry on items including all beverages, and any sort of gel: like toothpaste or hairgel. This puts me to a very tough EV decision for which I must consult with Dirty Dave: when I go to Vegas on Monday, I am clearly planning on just carrying my bag onto the plane. However, with the new policy, I can't bring toothpaste or hairgel, and who knows if they'll change their mind about deodorant.

So, do I check my bag and blow another 25 minutes at the luggage carousel, OR, do I leave all that crap at home and pay the Wynn Gift Shop premium for toiletry items, using the 25 minutes saved to try to make up the cost by dominating the Peach Chip Game? A raw EV dilemma...

2) Maurice Clarett. From national champion and future superstar, to imminent convict with a $5 million bond on his head. Instead of a $5 million NFL contract, Clarett landed a $5MM bond after he was arrested following a police chase, wearing a bulletproof vest, and carrying 4 weapons, including an AK-47. The bail is so high because "they were concerned that Clarett was driving with the guns only a few blocks from the home of a woman who was set to testify against him next week in an alleged robbery outside a Columbus bar." Maybe Clarett didn't realize that you don't actually have to be a hitman to play for the Mahoning Valley Hitmen, one of five teams in the Eastern Indoor Football League, where Clarett was supposed to play because he fucked up his life and blew his NFL opportunities.

I hope Clarett and his people don't hunt me down for talking shit about him, but really, this guy is exhibit A in the "Wasted Opportunity" file. Congrats, Doucheball!

3) Jamie Gold: Final Table WSOP Main Event chip leader, and possible soon-to-be World Champion. Now, admittedly, Gold has certainly not achieved the same level of Doucheballery as the terrorists or Clarett, but his comments about how he'd rather come in second, and how he doesn't want to be famous certainly qualify him as a doucheball. The boys at Wickedchops have all the Jamie "don't call me Ari" Gold background details.

I worry that I'm being too harsh on poor Jamie, but when I read a quote like this: "There might be a story,'' Gold said, "if I dump at the end because I don't want to be famous,'' I really have to wonder...

until next time,
KD

1 comment:

Huge Junk said...

There are plenty of CVS/Walgreens on the strip that you can pick up shit you need for much cheaper than what the Wynn will charge. Or you could sit down at your first table and start pestering people to see if they'll let you "sneak a swipe or two off their deoderant" or let you "take a pull off their tube of toothepaste."

That should tilt a few people if you deadpan it and refuse to give up.

On the subject of that fucktard Gold, I don't care how sick his dad is, you don't make comments like that unless you are a complete and utter douchebag. I always tell people that if it talks like a douchebag and looks like a douchebag it's probably a douchebag.