Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Nice Hand Sir!

Wow - so many sigmas last night in ESPN's two hours of 2008 WSOP Main Event coverage from days 1C and 1D. If I told you that you'd see: Chuck Liddell owning Mark Seif, Phil Hellmuth surpassing all past doucheness, Phil Ivey throwing a stone cold bluff at TWO opponents who held second set and top two pair, Joe Hachem whining like a little bitch, a guy with no arms playing poker, Phil Laak disguised as an old man under heavy makeup, Chris Moneymaker making a donkey call that is horrible even for HIM, Mike the Mouth doing his thing, and Phil Ivey actually showing some anger - would you believe me? But that's not even the best part!

The highlight of the show came when ESPN did a little side feature on Donald Hobbs, a young man who was in a brutal car accident. It seems Hobbs is a big Chris Moneymaker fan, and while he was laid up in the hospital, Moneymaker found out about Hobbs and took the time to go play poker with the kid. In addition, Moneymaker bought Hobbs into the main event. Kudos, Chris, that's a classy and generous thing to do, and a good use of your poker celebrity. However, the gem was during Hobbs' poignant interview with the ESPN cameras off set, where he was describing his injuries. He had such a thick Kentucky accent, that the ESPN editors apparently didn't notice that he said "TITTY NIPPLE" when he was describing his injuries. He says, and I quote, "I got burned from my right titty nipple down to my kneecap." Well done Mr. Hobbs. I don't mean to make light of Hobbs' injuries, only that I'm fairly certain the reason ESPN didn't edit it is because they couldn't understand what he said. You can see it at 7:28 of this video:

While we're on the subject of the above video, make sure you check in at the 5:33 mark for Hellmuth's entrance, which, although it's early, practically locks up 2008 WSOP Douchebag of the Year (DBOTY) for him. I'll give Phil credit for at least urging everyone to support the troops, but he also gets douchebag points for thinking that nothing would make the troops happier than a visit from Phil Hellmuth. Hey Phil - what's with the riding crop? I'm pretty sure US Army generals don't carry riding crops.
Interestingly, another former WSOP Main Event champ, Salty Joe Hachem, attempted to give Phil a run for DBOTY, complaining like a bitch whenever he met resistance from a better hand, despite the fact that Hachem issued two sick beats early on: spiking a two outer on the river for most of his chips, and catching AK with his AQ by spiking a Q on the river.
Let's get back to Hellmuth. Did you watch that video clip of his entrance? You did? And you didn't put your fist through your computer monitor? Phil's absurd outfit almost made me rip the cable right out of the wall, but I had high hopes, because sitting directly to Phil's right was... The Iceman, Chuck Liddell! Liddell, the former UFC light heavyweight champ, had already politely turned down offers from his table mates to "knock out" Phil, but after seeing the WCD (world class doucheball) in person, I was optomistic that Liddell would unleash physical fury on him. Earlier, Chuck did manage to thoroughly confuse Mark Seif, even telling Seif that he had two pair, but getting paid off anyway.

I'm not going to give a play by play of the rest of the broadcasts, but suffice to say, everything I wrote in my first paragraph actually happened - watch the videos for yourself.


Memphis MOJO said...

I know the guy with no arms -- his name is Mike Wilson and he's also a bridge player. You can read a short piece about him at my blog, if intereted.

Anonymous said...

Hellmuth is quite possibly the most insecure person on the planet. I have had the misfortune of playing with him multiple times and his behavior makes my skin crawl. I get physically uncomfortable thinking about how desperate he feels all the time.

Hachem is just a run of the mill, conceited, dick.