The Sports Guy

Bill Simmons: The Sports Guy's recent column contained this gem: it is so good that I just copied it as its own post here:

I have been pushing for a complete revamping of the cable TV warnings, and only because this should be a seamless, informative process. For instance, when they throw the old "SSC" for "Strong Sexual Content" before the movie, you absolutely know that there isn't just going to be some sexual content, it's going to be some STRONG sexual content. These are the movies that usually lead off with a detective sitting in a car watching someone's house while some bored housewife pulls the pool boy inside for a daytime romp. The point is, you know you're getting the goods with "SSC." But the "N" could mean anything -- two dudes naked in a shower, a 53-year-old woman getting embalmed, even Kathy Bates going topless in "About Schmidt."

So I would come up with these categories:

SN -- Standard Nudity
(Note: In other words, nothing special.)

MSC -- Mundane Sexual Content
(Note: For those really lame sex scenes where the two characters are going at it in slow motion and there's just some squinting and grimacing and that's about it.)

SSC -- Strong Sexual Content
(Note: I'd like to keep this one as is, just because it always puts a hop in everyone's step. When I lived with my old roommate Ricky, we would always stay up late watching bad movies on our illegal cable box, and when the "SSC" tag came up, we would both start cheering -- it was like winning in BINGO or something. I miss having a roommate sometimes.)

CESC -- Career-Ending Sexual Content
(Note: This covers Chloe Sevigny in "Brown Bunny" and that's about it. It's almost impossible to kill your career with a sex scene.)

UDN -- Unexpected, Delightful Nudity
(Note: This covers any scene where the nudity comes out of nowhere with someone you would never expect -- like Katie Holmes in "The Gift," Reese Witherspoon in "Twilight" or even Kelly Preston in "Mischief.")

WDN -- Wildly Disappointing Nudity.
(Note: For scenes like Teri Hatcher going topless in "Heaven's Prisoners.")

EN -- Epic Nudity
(Note: For those once-in-a-lifetime performances like Natasha Henstridge's in "Species," Apollonia in "Purple Rain" or Nicole Eggert in "Blown Away." I just feel like they deserve their own category. If you've earned the "EN" tag, that's almost like getting an Oscar.)

GSN -- Gratuitous, Sweeping Nudity
(Note: I like this one because you know where you stand -- you're getting nudity and lots of it. That's important information at 2 a.m.)

RGN -- Really Gross Nudity
(Note: This would cover old women getting embalmed, any nudity in those autopsy shows on HBO, Kathy Bates and Diane Keaton, those "Real Sex" shows where they show some nudist colony in Germany and there are like 100 hairy naked guys standing around, and so on. Give us a heads up. It's imperative. You could probably argue that Kathy Bates deserves her own tag here -- something like "KBN" -- but whatever.)

MN -- Male Nudity
(Note: That's an important one -- I need a warning if I'm going to see someone's johnson, whether I'm getting dressed in a gym or watching TV at 1:30 in the morning. If Kevin Bacon decides, "I know this isn't in the script, but I think this scene in 'Wild Things' could use a boost with my dangling member," I want to be prepared. Again, give us a heads up. I don't ask for much.)

MDDS -- Michael Douglas' Dangling Stuff
(Note: For those movies where Douglas feels like it's a wise idea for him to walk away from the camera with his, um, stuff dangling between his legs like a grandfather clock. Why does he do that? We may never know.)

APR -- Awful Prison Rape
(Note: Classic example -- the Ed Norton scene in "American History X." Come on. Just a mere "R" for "Rape" can't possibly cover how traumatic that scene was. You stick the "APR" before the movie, I'm probably avoiding the movie.)