Somebody Has to Say It

Phil Hellmuth is a pussy. There. I said it. I hope Phil doesn't use his uber-celebrity clout to have Google shut me down again...

If you aren't watching High Stakes Poker on GSN, you should be. Last week, Phil Hellmuth joined the game, prompting Danny Negreanu, stuck 700k, to cheer up visibly in his chair, as he exclaimed "I didn't think I'd have a chance to get even, but I didn't know you were coming - how much money did you bring?" Danny later explains that Phil is what's known as a "yum-yum" - a player they LOVE to have in the game.

So, why do these pros love having Phil "NINE TIME WSOP bracelet winner" Hellmuth in their game? Because he's a pussy! If you're going to play high stakes no limit poker, you cannot be a pussy.

In one particular hand, Phil, holding 6-8 (the Vortex!) gets all in against Barry Greenstein (holding K-T) on a T-6-6 board. Phil asks the dealer to hold on for a second, as he counts his chips. Danny, eager to try to get out of his $700k hole, says "What are we waiting for?"

Phil replies, "I was told I could get insurance."
"You can run it twice" Todd Brunson chimes in.
"Insurance from WHO?" Danny is practically laughing now, in shock.
"Barry will insure me." Phil replies.
"Sure," Barry is quick to grab free EV when he sees it.

Now Sheik chimes in something, and Phil retorts, "I'm rich Kid, I want to stay that way."

Now let me explain: Phil was a 90-10 favorite. He knew this and Barry knew this. Phil proposed 10% insurance on $100k of the $160k pot, which means he pays a 10% vig, and locks up his reduced equity on a portion of the pot. In this case, they basically take $100k out of the pot, and Phil gets $80k, giving Barry $20k. They then deal the turn and river for the balance of the pot. So, long story short, Phil gave Barry $10k in EV to reduce his variance. And he wonders why he gets no respect in the game?

After playing in the wildest game I've ever seen, the Mirage Six Sigma Sunday game, I had numerous discussions with my poker peeps about the willingness that a poker player should have to seek out positive EV situations. My question was getting down to the essence of "If I have AT suited, and my maniacal opponent is moving all in every hand, shouldn't I be willing to call off my $1000 stack with this hand that figures to be way better than average. The answer was "not necessarily," as there are many other factors in play, such as a) there was a max buy-in at the table ($500), which meant that there was some value to the fact that I had a bigger stack, and could potentially find a HIGHER EV situation to apply it. b) This is not "the long run" - this game could end at any time.

Essentially, I felt that if I figured to be a 3-2 favorite, and I wanted to call myself a poker player, I should be willing to commit my stack in this spot. My colleagues argued that to be called a poker player does not mean you have to accept every potentially positive EV situation offered - you have to consider the likelihood that you'll be able to find a BETTER situation with more EV.

Now, back to Phil. He was already committed in the pot, and flat out gave away EV. That is not something a poker player does. Ever. Especially if he wants respect at the table, and doesn't want the other players to repeatedly take advantage of his puss-itude by running him over for the rest of his life. Ok, there is some point where I will concede that the size of the pot would dictate that it would be acceptable for a player to puss out and try to lock up some of it, but in this game, $160k was NOT that size.

Hellmuth tries to defend himself to the wide eyed Daniel Negreanu, who seems like he wants to reach across the table and grab Phil by the neck, shouting "I can't believe you are such a colossal fucking pussy - and you call yourself a poker player?!?!?." Phil says "Ivey was giving me insurance all day - 10%, 5% even. All I had to do was call him and explain the situation." What Hellmuth is saying, I think, is that Ivey agreed to take Hellmuth's variance in exchange for a vig - Ivey wasn't even at the table, Hellmuth just had to call him up and explain the situation to him! Fuckin'A!!!! Hey Hellmuth - if you're giving away EV, call ME! I'll insure your hands you pussy!

Negreanu responds: "Of course he (Ivey) was - he's a smart guy - he'll take free money if you're giving it away."

The bottom line is, if Phil Hellmuth is asking for insurance on a $160k pot here, he shouldn't be in the game. By all means: run it twice - run it three times, chop the pot based on EV... But don't pay a vig for your puss-itude. And seriously: when the table runs you the fuck over afterwards, don't raise your hands to the sky and wonder why.

In this week's episode, Phil repeatedly made bets in the neighborhood of 1/6th the pot size or less... He bet $3k into a $16k pot... He bet $1k into an $8k pot... and more. Every time he was run out of the pot. If Phil is trying to set up his opponents so that he traps them when he finally makes a big hand, I would suggest he come up with a new game plan. He's not fooling anyone at this table, and the one time last week he decided to slowplay his QQ, he checked his way right into Jen Harman making a 1 card straight with her 8-4 offsuit, and lost the pot.

Of course, Phil finally gets fed up with being run over, and takes a stand with 6-6 on a 2-5-8 board when Barry puts him all in. Barry has a set of deuces, and Phil is liquidated AGAIN.

Nice hand sir.

-KD

The Ultimate Insult

So, last week I go to post some rambling blog post about my puppy, or how much Phil Hellmuth sucks, and Blogger tells me that my blog has been flagged by their automatic software as a "SPAM blog"...

"The ease of creating and updating webpages with Blogger has made it particularly prone to a form of behavior known as link spamming. Blogs engaged in this behavior are called spam blogs, and can be recognized by their irrelevant, repetitive, or nonsensical text, along with a large number of links, usually all pointing to a single site."

Wow - talk about a fuckin' insult.... Irrelevant, repetitive, nonsensical. That hurts. So, in true un-American fashion, Blogger declared me GUILTY until proven innocent, and took away my ability to post! The other problem is, they ignored my desperate emails pleas (insisting that although I may be irrelevant and repetitive, I am most certainly NOT Spam!) for four days. Now, however, one week shy of my 30th b'day, I'm back. Certified Unspamified. Whitelisted. Phew.

I guess I can't write "Do not fuck with Phil Ivey" three times in a row, or some process thinks I'm spam. And the patented Bobby Bracelet self link technique is also spam-escent. Even though I post a lot of pictures of my boy Oscar, I don't see how those could be read as SPAM...

Bones was just about to start an uprising at his French bank, out of RAGE at my being unable to post and fresh ramblings - and believe me - you do NOT want angry Frenchies raging against you Blogger!

So, Phil Hellmuth will get another day of reprieve, before I mercilessly tear him apart in a post soon to come.

until next time,
KD

Lesson Learned

Gather round now, and let Kid Dynamite give you some valuable poker advice...

Do...not....FUCK....with....Phil...Ivey.... Understand now? (Sick hand link attached)

Let me repeat myself. Do not fuck with Phil Ivey.

class dismissed.

-KD

Quick hits

-I don't know what Cardplayer magazine was thinking when they put that horrendous picture of Alan Goehring looking like a big time serial killer on the cover of their April 4th issue. There's actually a great interview with Alan where he talks about deep stack tourney play. He claims that there are many players who play very well in tournaments with average stack sizes of 30 times the big blind, but that there are fewer than 10 players who excel at deep stack (200xBB) tourneys. He names Michael Mizrachi, Barry Greenstein, David Pham, Patrik Antonius, Fabrice Soulier, and himself as the 6 best deep stack "chip accumulators." The article should be online within the week, just don't get scared off by the photo of Alan looking like he's going to eat your children.

-I confirmed with Mrs. Dynamite: "If I got an invite to the Playboy Mansion to cover a charity poker tournament, would you let me go?" "Not a chance." Whipped.

-Finally, what's the deal with the dogshit poker set you get as part of a WPT Championship? Let me get this straight... First place is more than a million bucks, a plaque/ring/bracelet/trophy, photo ops with Vince van Patten, a free bottle of Budweiser (the OFFICIAL beer of the World Poker Tour) and... a fucking plastic chip set with the WPT logo? I think my dream is to get heads up with a 10-1 chip lead against a guy who's a real instigator at the table, like Tony G, and tell him,

"Hey Tony, I tell you what, let me propose a CHOP: I'll take first place money, the trophy, the title, and the honor, and you can have the beer and the poker chips. Whatdya say?"

-KD

Back!

It's official. I have NOT retired from poker.

email conversation last week with the Vortex:

KD: "You play at all live lately? I talked to Chris and I hear the game has been going strong and SICK!"

Vortex: "I was there last night."

KD (starting to TILT): "WHAT? Details please?"

Vortex (taunting me): "Crazy game. {proceeds to name a plethora of donators}

KD (Fully TILTed): "Aiyahh! I'm on high TILT right now. I want to play so bad, but I have to take care of my puppy after work."

Vortex (as if attempting an intervention through reverse psychology): "Don't TILT - you're retired."

No fuckin' way baby. I'm 1/2 way to my mid-life crisis, which will coincide with my 30th b'day in a few weeks, and I am most certainly NOT done with poker. Just because I have to take care of my baby when I get home

doesn't mean I'm not thinking about poker way more than any normal person should.

Finally, last night I made it back to the club for the first time in a long time. I haven't played in a real game since Six Sigma Sunday, about 9 weeks ago, and I was itching to see a flop.

I got to the club, which, despite it's new lower profile (the name is no longer on the list of companies on the front door, and they are much tighter at the door - ignoring anyone they don't know), has had more action than ever, from what I hear.

I hit the buzzer and look up at the camera.

Nothing.

Again. Buzzzzz... Pause.... Nothing.

Someone is leaving the building, and I sneak in as he exits. I take the elevator up to the club, and buzz the next door.

Nothing.

I buzz again. Finally Asian Paul comes to let me in. I walk in and see Eddie on the phone. I give him two middle fingers, and a "What the fuck? Do you know who the fuck I am?"

"Sorry - I didn't recognize you - none of us did."

Jeez. Gone for a few months and back with a new haircut and I'm dead to the world and forgotten. Unreal.

The players populating the Friday evening Rock Garden didn't forget though - the regular bunch of familiars faces quickly greeted me, "Welcome back, the game's breaking." I laughed and bought chips.

Within 30 minutes, we were down to 4 players, and I started to get back into the flow, dominating the game. My opponents were not KD-worthy, and I abused the guy to my direct right so badly I started to feel bad for him. I won every fucking pot I played with him. Bluff. Value bet. Value call. Everything.

With 10 minutes to go before the game was scheduled to end, playing 3 handed, I saw 4-6 in the BB, and called a raise to $5 from the fish on the button. The SB came along for the flop of 4-4-A.

SB checked, I bet out $15, and the button called. Nice. This will work out nicely when he gets committed to his ace.

Turn: offsuit jack - no flush possible. I bet $30. He calls.

River: 9. I bet $50. He moves all in for a total of $78: $28 more. I call, still fully expecting my hand to be good, and he turns over... FRIDAY IN VEGAS! Pocket jacks! How fuckin' poetic. Trumped by my signature hand on my triumphant return to the felt.

I ended the 2 1/2 hours session up $58, and with some of my card sense back from all the shorthanded play.

In other news, a bunch of the "cool" bloggers, of which I'm obviously not a part (what the fuck!?) are going to the Playboy Mansion this weekend! Unreal. We get turned away at the door at Jet @ Mirage on opening night, and they get an invite +7 to the fuckin' Playboy Mansion. Aiyahh! At least Dr. Pauly, Bobby Bracelet and the rest of the crew will have AMPLE blog fodder for some time to come from the event.

until next time,
KD

LOL

Joke of the Day, courtesy of Bones, and with regard to Oscar's recent vet adventure:

Q: What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste!

ba dum bum CHING!

-KD

Sick

My boy is sick. I came home from work yesterday, and Oscar greeted me with barely a shrug. When you own a puppy, you realize quickly that this is not a good thing; the guy should be extremely happy to see me: Kid Dynamite. Pops. Dad.

Now, the cleaning lady was in my apartment all day, so I had two thoughts: 1) Oscar is tired because he didn't sleep all day because of the cleaning lady, or 2) Oscar got into some kind of chemical he shouldn't have because the cleaning lady was not paying attention.

This morning, when he was still lethargic, I realized it wasn't number 1. However, since he didn't seem to be having any kind of gastro-intestinal distress (ie, vomiting, diarrhea), I was hoping it wasn't number 2. I took two hours off at lunch today to take him to the vet.

At the vet, the doctor explained to me, "First, we'll take his temperature." Hmm... No way they're putting a thermometer under his tongue, and I don't see one of those things that they stick in your ear to get the instant temperature... Uh oh buddy... Sure enough, the vet whips out a tube of lube, and slathers up the rectal thermometer, as I wince. Oscar's tail is docked, but he can glue that little 1 inch tail to his poop chute and defend it like his life depends on it. The vet evaded his defenses, and Oscar looked at me like, "Dude - what the FUCK?" Poor dude.

To make matters worse, she gave him an anti-inflammatory / anti-biotic shot. Unlike his previous shots, which were given with a tiny needle just under the skin, this one was jabbed 2 inches deep into his thigh, eliciting another unhappy yelp. Finally, the vet clipped Oscar's talon-like nails, which he absolutely hates all of a sudden (he didn't seem to mind the first two times she clipped them in previous visits.) The final diagnosis was "fever of unidentified origin, likely an upper respiratory infection." Bill: $122.

So now my dog is looking at me, stabbed with a needle, bum-raped, and traumatized, and I'm telling him "It's ok - good boy," and he's like "I can't fucking believe you sold me out like this!"

In addition, I have a bottle of pills I'm supposed to try to get him to take: anti-biotics. That should be fun.

I hope the little fucker gets better. Here's a picture of him showing off his not so huge junk:

-KD

WPT Whores

Is nothing sacred? At the end of this week's World Poker Tour broadcast, from the Legends of Poker at the Bicycle Casino in L.A., after Alex Kahaner took down Cowboy Kenna James, Mike Sexton gathered the usual throng for the end of show toast.

"And now, as is our custom on the World Poker Tour, we toast our champion, Alex Kahaner, with the official beer of the World Poker Tour: Budweiser."

Huh? What? Every degenerate knows that Michelob Amberbock is the official beer of the World Poker Tour, just like Levitra is the official erectile dysfunction drug of the World Series of Poker. You can't just throw any old boner-builder's name on the felt - I mean, the Saturday Night Live parody "Doctor Poerkenheimer's Boner Juice" wouldn't do, and neither would Viagra. When I think WSOP and erectile dysfunction, I think Levitra.

Similarly, when I think WPT and beer, there's only one right answer: Michelob Amberbock. It's like peanut butter & jelly. Apparently, WPT has sold their soul to the King of Beers, and thrown away their long standing relationship with Michelob.

Shame on you WPT. If you're going to be money whores - how about at least making some decisions that get your stock price up - like properly marketing your show, and your online poker site. Perhaps Foxwood's new "WPT World Poker Room," will get the ball rolling. Of course, that would require Foxwoods to run their room like they care, instead of like a place that's the "only poker room in New England," with a captive audience who can either sit there and take their shit, or not play poker in a casino.


-KD

Learning

Monday on High Stakes Poker we learned that if you want to put Freddy Deeb on TILT all you have to do is accuse him of ratholing, or "going South." Taking chips of the table is a big no-no in poker, and Freddy's tablemates, starting with Johnny Chan and then continued by Danny Negreanu continued to push his buttons, joking that he took chips with him when he went to the bathroom. Freddy went ballistic when they continued to joke about it, and demanded that the game be stopped. Eventually Freddy was pacified after Sheik gave him a rose - how sweet.

Tuesday at the dog run Oscar learned that if a French Bulldog tries to hump your ass, the best defense is to a) put your ass on the ground and then b) turn and defend yourself with your teeth.

Wednesday I learned that you need to be careful how you pick up soft dog poo with a small plastic bag so as to not get it on your hands. Yep - poop on the hands - and I didn't even freak out - I'm officially a dad.

Thursday I learned that I owe the IRS stacks and towers of checks. Fuck me. As Dirty Dave put it, "That's the price of being KD."

Today we went for a walk in the 'hood, and saw Catherine Zeta Jones filming a movie on Charles Street. There was a huge production crew there, and one of the set managers quickly fell in love with Oscar, recognizing him as the breed from "As Good as it Gets." I told the guy to put Oscar in the movie, but they already had some obnoxious Boston Terriers cast...

We also spotted Matthew Broderick, who lives nearby, entering a townhouse right across the street from where the crew was filming. It was kinda funny seeing all these people stretching to catch a glimpse of Catherine Z-J across the street, and then Ferris Bueller himself walked right through the crowd, catching them off guard.

-KD

WPTonline

I read in Cardplayer that the World Poker Tour has ended it's alliance with PartyPoker (Party Poker Million) and Ultimate Bet (Aruba Classic). They will not be part of next season's calendar of WPT events. Why is this? WPT wants to promote their own poker site: WPTonline.com. Hopefully they won't fuck up this layup, and the stock will get back to a decent valuation.

Other thoughts: Ted forrest is SICK. His card sense and ability to absolutely NAIL his opponent's hole cards, even when he's not in a hand is downright scary. I will not fuck with Ted Forrest.

In puppy news, my boy Oscar is starting to lift his leg when he pees! Daddy is so proud - baby boy is growing up fast!

until next time,
KD

Dreams

This morning I dreamt I had pocket aces. I was sitting in a NL Hold'em game, first orbit at the table, with $1000 in front of me. Blinds were $5-$10.

In early position, I raised to $30, and was called twice, before the SB min-raised to $60. I popped it again, making it $250 to go, and all three opponents called. At this point, I realized that I was not playing hold'em - I was playing Omaha - I had 4 cards, not two: A-A-T-T. I used to have the dream that I got involved in a big pot, and on the river my cards would change for the worse. I'm told this is a common degenerate poker player's dream, and this morning's dream was an interesting Freudian variation.

So, I'm significantly less excited about my A-A-T-T Omaha high hand, compared to my AA hold'em hand, but I am temporarily pacified by the flop of T-9-3 with two hearts. I do not have a heart draw.

The SB checks, and I shuffle my chips, which the dealer interprets as a check. One player checks behind me before I object: "I haven't acted yet. I'm all-in. I'm all-in." I said it twice - I remember this clearly.

and then the alarm went off....

I need to play some poker...

-KD

Just Another Day

"I've got the biggest dick in the world. Twelve inches of thick black cock."

6:20am and this is the first thing I hear when I walk out of my apartment. My immediate thought is, "Dad? Is that you?" But alas, it's not my long lost father. It's some dude who looks like he could be normal, ranting at no one in particular.

I'm in front of him, walking the same direction as he is, and we pass a woman loading luggage into a town car, like she's going to the airport. Johnny BigDick leers at her "Oh yeah Sistah - work that trunk," and I can hardly contain my laughter.

Unfortunately the next words out of his mouth, I fear, are directed at me: "I love sucking white boys' cocks." Normally this may be a good thing to hear, but in my neighborhood, and this time, it is usually not music to my ears. The chances of these words coming from neighbors Liv Tyler, Famke Jansen or Gisele are somewhere between slim and none (akin to catching perfect-perfect to scoop a pot - only much much worse), while the chances of them coming from a 5 foot 6 inch gay black man are pretty fuckin' good (like having a super wrap straight draw + flush draw with overcards in an Omaha pot that makes you a big favorite).

I make it to work, and in the afternoon I fire off an email to Chris asking him if he's played at our club lately. He replies that not only is the club still going, but he played last night, and there were at least four BIG TIME action players splashing around, issuing brutal beats. I quickly shoot off another email to The Vortex, imploring him "You have to go play live - I hear the game is sick. I can't play because I have to take care of Oscar after work."

Vortex quickly replies that he was actually IN this game, and that it was sweeter than I could imagine, giving me a few brief details. I'm now on serious TILT, as I'm aching to play live poker, but have other obligations, mainly, my boy - Oscar. Instead of living vicariously through Vortex, I want a piece of the action myself...

oh well. another day, another dollar.

-KD

Cheer Up

Kirby Puckett died today. He was one of the all time greats, and epitomized my childhood as a baseball fan. Kirby, Wade Boggs and Tony Gwynn were the three guys you had to have on your fantasy baseball team back in the mid 80's - back when it was still called Rotisserie Baseball. He always played with an intensity and a joy for the game that couldn't help but put a smile on any fan's face.

Check out my January Archives for what was one of my best months of postings, including a guest post from Dirty Dave, Vegas trip reports and a plethora of puppy tales and pictures - hopefully that will put a smile back on someone's face.

-KD

Heads up H.O.R.S.E.

The Big Show came to town this weekend. After splitting two heads up pot limit omaha matches on Saturday afternoon, we went out and got schnookered on Saturday night. Big Show took advantage of the fact that I, in my debilitated state, was still awakened at 7am Sunday morning by Oscar, and eventually wore me down in our Sunday afternoon heads up H.O.R.S.E round robin.

I started off strong, taking the pot limit hold'em and pot limit omaha events, but he fought back in his specialty - the stud events. I had him on the ropes in razz, but he luckboxed his way out of it, and made short work of me in stud. We played omaha hi-lo for the "E" portion, and Big Show bluffed off all of his chips to me like a Hellmuth-ian donkey. Unfortunately, his meager hand held up, and he claimed the H.O.R.S.E. title on my home turf, sending me into Sunday evening mega-TILT.

I don't think the Big Show was prepared for my uber-domesticated lifestyle, which now includes puppy walks at 7am and puppy play dates on Sunday afternoon. Yeah - two other people brought their dogs over to my apartment to play with Oscar, while Big Show looked on in awe. Who knew Kid Dynamite was such a softie.

Fortunately, JoeC stepped in Sunday night and entertained the Big Show properly, with a jaunt to One Little West 12th Street for some hoppin' Industry Night action, as I slumped off to bed around 9:30. Oy vey.

until next time,
-KD

Psychology

So I know I haven't posted much lately. Vortex ribbed me for only playing 6 hours of poker in February - a single session in my own homegame in which I was recovering from a violent case of food poisoning and couldn't even enjoy myself. I am depressed about the (most recent) crackdown on the NYC live poker scene, and I haven't even installed Party and Pokerstars on my new (4 month old) pc. I hope Party hasn't confiscated my account since I last logged in.

Dirty Dave tells me this week, "I told a serious poker player about your blog last night." Man. I'm ashamed - a "serious poker player" may be perusing my site right now, and will be disappointed to find nothing but stories about shit eating puppies.

Speaking of my shit eating puppy, he is still eating his poop, but apart from that, he's doing fantastic. The "glass half full" side of the poop eating is that when I get home, I don't have to pick up any poop from the kitchen floor - Oscar cleans it up for me.

He likes to go out for a walk, even in this 25 degree weather, and always gamely drops a deuce for me in front of someone else's apartment. Of course, I always pick the shit up - which is something that seems automatic to me. Yet, as Mrs. Dynamite says, "There must be an awful lot of seeing eye dogs in our neighborhood," because there is a shitload of dog shit on the sidewalk (you don't have to pick up after a seeing eye dog, of course). Seriously douchebags: when your dog takes a shit on the sidewalk, you pick it up. That is non-negotiable.

I'm a big fan of The Sports Guy Bill Simmons, and came across this extremely well written point from Malcolm Gladwell, who wrote this brilliantly succinct reply as part of a Q & A with the Sports Guy, with regards to why some athletes simply show up unprepared (emphasis added)

The (short) answer is that it's really risky to work hard, because then if you fail you can no longer say that you failed because you didn't work hard. It's a form of self-protection. I swear that's why Mickelson has that almost absurdly calm demeanor. If he loses, he can always say: Well, I could have practiced more, and maybe next year I will and I'll win then. When Tiger loses, what does he tell himself? He worked as hard as he possibly could. He prepared like no one else in the game and he still lost. That has to be devastating, and dealing with that kind of conclusion takes a very special and rare kind of resilience. Most of the psychological research on this is focused on why some kids don't study for tests -- which is a much more serious version of the same problem. If you get drunk the night before an exam instead of studying and you fail, then the problem is that you got drunk. If you do study and you fail, the problem is that you're stupid -- and stupid, for a student, is a death sentence. The point is that it is far more psychologically dangerous and difficult to prepare for a task than not to prepare. People think that Tiger is tougher than Mickelson because he works harder. Wrong: Tiger is tougher than Mickelson and because of that he works harder.

I read one of Gladwell's books, Blink, which was mildly interesting, but he is clearly a very talented writer and psychological thinker. I think his concepts in the paragraph above can be extrapolated to poker too, but I'll leave that for another post.

The Big Show comes to town tomorrow.

until next time,
KD

Jinx

If I'm sitting at the poker table, it is highly unlikely that you'll ever hear me say something like "Wow, it's been a long long time since I've been felted when my kings ran into aces." I am somewhat superstitious, and I simply prefer not to fuck with Karma.

Mrs. Dynamite, on the other hand, has taken to putting the kaibash on Oscar, our puppy. Two weeks ago she remarked "It's been a long time since Oscar peed in the wrong spot - he's doing so well!" As if on cue, that night, Oscar peed in the bed for the first time ever.

Oscar has been doing phenomenally well - learning to walk on his leash, and even taking his first dump outside (I'm such a proud dad!). So, Sunday night, after 2 pretty good weeks of behavior, Mrs. Dynamite again pulls out, "Oscar has been awesome for so long!" Now, Oscar has not taken a dump on my bedroom rug since the week we brought him home, but within 15 minutes of Mrs. Dynamite mentioning this, he begins furiously sniffing in the bedroom.

"NO!" I shout, recognizing the behavior pattern, and he looks up at me momentarily, before resuming his frantic sniffing and pacing. I reach him just as he starts to squat, yelling "NO NO NO NO NO" the whole time, as he looks up at me helplessly, in mid squat. I pick him up, and attempt to carry him over to his "wee wee pad," but he can't hold back one turd from pinching out and crashing to the floor.

Now Oscar is sitting there looking at me like, "what the fuck are you yelling at me for?" as I'm trying to get him to finish his dump in the proper spot. Of course, now he thinks he's not supposed to take a dump, and is holding it in.

I refuse to bring him to bed, as I know he has to poo, and he's in despair gated in the kitchen trying to figure out what I want. After about 90 minutes, he finally drops the rest of his load, and proudly wags his tail when he realizes that's what I was looking for. That's my boy!

Here's the latest on Oscar's likes and dislikes:

Likes: Shoes, Shoelaces, socks, drawstrings, hand trucks, brooms, CharlesParker the Pug
Dislikes: Loud trucks, being barked at, old people, Moose the Bulldog

In other news...

Paul Phillips had a couple of brilliant links on his livejournal, including these inimitable Phil Hellmuth Ringtones.

until next time,
KD

Online Cheating

Thanks to Ranxx for bringing this link to my attention. (full text below, from Pokerkingblog.com)

For all of you who haven’t heard about this, here is what happened:

An account named “ablackcar” ended up taking down the Party Poker 500k guaranteed tournament last week for 140k. That is fine, except for the fact that it came out after the fact, on pocketfives.com, that the “ablackcar” account was being played by JJProdigy, a well-known and very good online tournament player. The real big problem? JJProdigy had played in the same tournament. So, about twenty minutes after the tournament ended, it was revealed that JJProdigy had had two accounts playing in the same tournament (at least two).

When confronted with this information, JJProdigy said that the “ablackcar” account had been played by his grandmother until the closing stages of the tournament. At that time, JJProdigy took over and finished up the tournament. Anyone with half a brain could see that this was a lie. Someone checked up on the “ablackcar” account, and miraculously, “ablackcar” only played in tournaments that JJProdigy was playing in, and only played tournaments with a large buy-in.

The JJProdigy situation was reported to Party Poker, and they took immediate action, freezing the “ablackcar” account. About five days later, Party Poker announces that not only have they banned the “ablackcar” account and confiscated the 140k, but they also banned the JJProdigy account, and confiscated 40k. Everyone who placed in the money in the Party 500k Guaranteed was bumped up a spot, and the 140k was redistributed.

After the fact, JJProdigy came out and posted that he did in fact knowingly cheat. Party Poker forced his hand though, as they said that the two accounts played from the same computer, when he had originally claimed that his grandmother was in the other room, playing until he took over. JJProdigy claims that he will be taking “legal action.” Cough.

First off, for anyone who doesn’t know, this type of behavior is rampant in the online poker world. Numerous high profile online players are entering multiple accounts into poker tournaments. I’ve heard that some players enter as many as 10 different accounts into one tournament. Kind of gives them an unfair advantage don’t you think? Someone who was defending JJProdigy made the analogy that it is just like buying multiple lottery tickets. Well, first off, there are no rules stating that you can’t buy multiple lottery tickets (whereas there is language in every poker sites TOU that are you not allowed to enter multiple accounts into a tournament); secondly, if you have multiple accounts entered into the same tournament, there becomes a very real possibility of chip-dumping if you have multiple accounts playing at the same table. I will argue this till I’m red in the face, but multiple accounts is just not fair and certainly not ethical.

Hats off to Party Poker. They issued a harsh punishment that added significant credibility to their operation. No doubt this practise will continue, but Party Poker sent a great message. “If we catch you cheating, you’re losing everything.” With this decision, Party Poker gained a lot of respect in the online poker world. It’s the only decision they could have made though; if they had let JJProdigy keep the 140k, their tournaments would have become an instant joke. People would have been entering 20 accounts into one tournament. For anyone who doesn’t think this would give someone an unfair advantage; can you imagine 20 Phil Ivey’s playing in the same tournament? Don’t you think there would be a great chance that one of the 20 Phil Ivey’s would end up winning, and even a better chance that two or more of the Phil Ivey’s would end up sometime in the tournament playing at the same table?

To JJProdigy: First off, on what grounds would you sue Party Poker? You clearly broke a rule outlining in their Terms of Use. You have zero support, so lick your wounds and continue. You’re a great player; play within the rules at the other sites, and you’ll have another big score, guaranteed. Oh, and you might want to turn your chat off when you play.

To everyone else out there cheating: Watch out for the Karma police.

UPDATE: Poker Stars has now banned the “JJProdigy” account after doing their own investigation and finding that “JJProdigy” was playing with multiple accounts in some of their tournaments. Word has also leaked that “JJProdigy” is only 16 years old. The poker sites have a MAJOR problem on their hands here. How will the other rooms react? Was he only playing with two accounts or were there more involved?

Talk amongst yourselves...

-KD

Hit List

William Rockwell is mad at me. That's just not right. He left me a couple of angry comments in regard to an old ESPN WSOP recap I wrote, so I went back to see why he was so pissed off.

I made a comment about William Rockwell being an advertising pawn for Golden Palace Casino, as he had their logo plastered on his foot amongst other places, and wondered if he'd ever played poker before. William responded (sic):

This is William Rockwell I am a 14 year vetran of poker I have Played so many tournaments I can not even count them please don't write things you have no clue about contact info for myself is at rockwellfoundation.org P.S. I will play you anytime bud!

So, I admit that I had no clue he was an experienced player, and wish William Rockwell all the best in his poker and other endeavors - I think it's remarkable that he's been able to overcome his physical handicap. I do think it's unfortunate that he chose Golden Palace Casino as his sponsor, as I think someone with his story could have probably been backed by a more "legit" sponsor that would have attracted more attention to his foundation. That said, I'd also be happy to take up his challenge - hopefully Golden Palace Casino will sponsor the heads up deathmatch.

In other news, my puppy, Oscar, is a beast. My mom came to visit this weekend, and while we went to walk around SoHo on Saturday, Mrs. Dynamite gladly took up my challenge to teach Oscar a new trick: "Lie Down." She happily called my cell phone after 25 minutes to gloat that he'd mastered "Lie Down" quickly. "Good," I replied, "now teach him Don't Eat Poo."

On Sunday, Mrs. Dynamite and my mom ran to the store to grab some ingredients for dinner, and challenged me to teach Oscar a trick in 1/2 an hour. We sucked it up, and my boy learned "Shake," like a champ. He even forgot "Lie Down," to boot, so Mrs. Dynamite and I are even now (she masterfully taught him "Sit.")

Here's a picture of Oscar humping H0nus

-KD

Live Poker is so Rigged

This week on High Stakes Poker (on the Game Show Network - if you're not watching it: START!), the players are dealt what has already been advertised as the last hand of the night. Not the last hand of the hour long show, but the last hand before the game breaks for the night. This is a high stakes cash game, with Danny Negreanu, Jen Harman, Eli Elezra, Barry Greenstein, Todd " Sean Sheikhan is an idiot and he'll probably lose all his chips" Brunson, Sean Sheikhan, Sammy Farha and Jerry Buss.

So Greenstein wakes up to AA. Blinds are $300-$600 with a $100 ante, and he raises to $2500. Farha, in the BB, looks down at pocket kings, and re-raises to $12,500. Barry makes it $62,500 to go, and Farha starts to think. He can't believe this is happening: he knows Barry isn't just fucking around - but can he really be running into rockets on the last hand? Now, in a tournament, Barry can make this play with a range of hands. He had $190,000 to start the hand, and barely had Sammy covered. However, one of the most interesting things about this high stakes cash game is how quickly you realize that when big money goes into the pot, people have big hands. Barry has AA, KK, QQ or maybe AK.

Farha thinks for a long time, and finally moves all-in; about $120k or so more for Barry, who calls. First of all, I started thinking: can Sammy just call here? he knows he's either way ahead (vs queens) or way behind (vs. aces) - but maybe he's just in good shape vs AK - in which case a re-raise is mandatory to shut Barry out. I guess he'd rather get the money in now, unless he has every intention of folding to a flopped ace - which, if Barry had QQ would be a disaster, and if Barry had A-K would also be a disaster to let him catch.

Anyway, Barry calls of course, and Sammy knows he's up against aces. Sammy offers to deal 2 five card boards, but Barry declines. The flop comes king high, and Barry, to his credit, never flinches, even though there is over $360,000 in the pot. Now Sammy again offers to deal the turn and river twice, but Barry declines. The turn and river blank off (Barry had a backdoor flush draw on the flop), and Sammy rakes a monster pot.

un-fuckin'-real. Barry Greenstein, true professional, doesn't make a peep. One other interesting thing about Barry: the WSOP and WPT broadcasts lead the viewer to believe that, like Paul "Dotcom" Phillips - Barry is an internet millionaire who plays poker now that he's loaded, and thus can afford to donate all his winnings to charity. Well, Professor, the Banker, and the Suicide King - the story of the super high stakes cash game played in Vegas by a syndicate of pros vs. businessman Andy Beal tells a different story. Barry did NOT get rich at Symantec - and made/makes his money playing poker. He DOES give a ton of money, including most of his tourney winnings to charity - but this is out of the goodness of his heart - not because he's so loaded that he doesn't need the cash.

Kudos to Barry.

-KD

Hostin' Ain't Easy

With most local live games scarce, the attendance for Satuday's Kid Dynamite Home Game was perfect, with a full table of eager combatants anxious to get some action. Unfortunately, I had a wicked bout of food poisoning friday night - the result of an ill-advised Korean Deli meatball parm - and was in horrible shape on Saturday.

When the Vortex arrived first on Saturday afternoon, I could barely make it up and down the stairs. Soxlover and his ringer buddy the Korean ATM followed soon after, and the game got roaring. Vortex put a rapid succession of beats on Soxlover, and quickly had him tilted. It turned out that the Korean ATM was only taking deposits on this day, and ended up crushing the game.

The immortal Boston road gambler Dirty Dave ignored the weather warnings and made the trip down from Boston to play, and took a key pot limit omaha pot off me: the first one we played.

I was in the SB with 6-6-8-5 rainbow, and we saw an 8 way unraised flop: 6-5-K with 2 hearts. I bet out the pot: $16, and only Dirty Dave (UTG) and the Vortex (cutoff) called.

The turn was an offsuit 4, and I fired $60. Dirty Dave thought for a solid 90 seconds before raising all-in. Vortex folded and it was back to me. Now I know Dirty Dave is weak tight. He knows I know this. What confuses me is, why would Dirty Dave be drawing to a straight on a two-flush board - that's not like him. Of course, it's Omaha, so maybe he has the straight WITH the flush draw. Essentially, at best (for me) he has a flush draw and I'm a nice favorite, while at worst he has a made straight and I'm a nice dog. I'm hoping I at least have full house outs, and am not up against a set of kings. I think for 3 solid minutes, and eventually muck my hand faceup. Dave shows me A-A-7-7 double suited, with the nut heart draw. Uggh.. he was in even worse shape than he thought, as a seven was no good for him: it would make me a straight. It turns out he had fold equity though! In retrospect, I shouldn't bet the turn unless I'm calling his raise - I should check-call the turn (or even check-raise). Fortunately, Dirty Dave left before doing any lasting damage to my bathroom. Had I known he was going to hit and run, I probably would have called.

Andrew made quads twice in one orbit of Omaha, once against SoxLover's higher set, spiking a one-outer against him on the river, and once against my nut flush when he rivered quad aces and check-raised me. I paid him off. Fuck!

My night ended in fine fashion when, playing 1-2 NL hold'em, I raised to $7 UTG with QhJh. Soxlover called, and Andrew raised to $20. Fred, who'd been down to the felt for a while, moved all-in for his last $28, and Korean ATM in the BB smooth called the $28! Now, for some reason I decided to move all-in here: $149 more than Fred's $28. Everyone folded to the Korean ATM, who called me quickly. Huh? what's going on here? Fred turned over Kings, Korean ATM had A-Q offsuit, and I was drawing slim. Two aces and two hearts on the flop gave me hope, but I couldn't spike my flush and was liquidated. The question is: what am I trying to accomplish? What's the point of my forcing the other players to fold? I have a hand that is likely to be second best at the time, and I still have to beat Fred, the all-in player. I guess I was thinking that the added dead money in the pot would adequately compensate me for the small disadvantage I expected to be at against Fred: I didn't give him credit for a real hand. When Korean ATM called me, I knew I was in trouble (I guess he hasn't been stacked enough with A-Q in that situation to know that he's in a tough spot most of the time).

Until next time,

-KD