Thursday, October 27, 2005

Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake

First off, I'm going to be in Vegas for a few days starting next Saturday, November 5h. If anyone else will be in town - let me know.

I was chatting more today with the Big Show, and Mel Judah's number one fan, Dirty Dave, and I realized that we need to settle this Mel Judah - Marco Traniello situation before it gets out of hand. There's only one solution: an old school, WWF, Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake style heads up NL freezeout - LOSER SHAVES THEIR HEAD! Obviously, the winner would totally fuck up the loser's hair before shaving it completely. I'm not sure if Mel has the moxie to apply The Sleeper to Marco, or vice versa, so it may have to be a more "willing" type of head shaving, like when Hellmuth made the mistake of chastising Robert Varkonyi "If that guy wins the Main Event, I'll shave my head." Hellmuth graciously submitted to the clippers after Varkonyi's wild run lasted a few more days. Sadly, that was before televised poker had hit it big, so we didn't have the honor of a former-hairdresser-turned-poker-pro to perform the shearing, or a big time production budget.

ESPN could totally work this angle, at least for a segment of "The Nuts" in one of their WSOP broadcasts. It would be legendary. Marco and Mel stare each other down... The Rocky training montage plays, as they each study their strategy... Heads up play begins... Chip counts move back and forth... Mel has Marco on the ropes... Marco fights back... Just when it looks like Mel will finally put Marco away, Jen Harman sneaks up from behind and clobbers him with a chair! Of course, she'd need entrance music, and Normand Chad would have to be screaming, Jim Ross style "OH MY GOD! NO! THIS CAN'T BE! NOOOOOO!" as Jen and Marco gave the comatose Mel Judah a sloppy mohawk, then went to Macaroni Grill to celebrate.

Come to think of it - we could have an entire Extreme Poker League! Think about it - it's perfect... The players would be divided into two camps: good guys, and bad guys. The Hulk Hogans of the world, and the Ric "The Nature Boy" Flairs. And I'm talking about Hulkster back when he was a good guy, before he went evil (Hollywood Hogan) and then came back - and the Nature Boy back when he was evil, before he became a baby-face.

Guys like Ivey, Greenstein, Ferguson, Scotty Nguyen, Gus Hansen, Vahedi and Scott Fishman are just dark enough to be able to walk the middle line, while Matusow, Hellmuth, Arieh and Esfandiari would clearly be the bad guys to Negreanu, Raymer, Men the Master, and Flack's good guys.

Ted Forrest, Chip Reese, Doyle, Seidel, TJ Cloutier and Johnny Chan would be the savvy veterans, while The Grinder, E-Dog, John Phan, J-Dags and Michael Gracz would be the young guns.

Howard Lederer, Hasan Habib, Paul Phillips, John Juanda, "Miami" John Cernuto and Dan Harrington would be managers, while Humberto Brenes and Carlos Mortenson would be high flying lucha-libre types. Jobbers like Todd Whitteles, Arnold Spee and Tuan Lee would get the crap kicked out of them whenever someone needed an ass-kicking.

Randy "The Dreamcrusher" Jensen has to be involved some how, since he already has a great knickname, as does David "the Dragon" Pham.

Phil Gordon would do color commentary with Mike Caro, while Phil Laak would make random appearances whenever more havoc was needed.

Norman Chad / Vince McMahon - this is pure gold - call me!

-Kid Dynamite

1 comment:

Cormac said...

Wow - best blog by far, and Ive nearly read them all at this stage because of my new shit kicker job - I just imagine men the Master flying around the ring with one of those mexican masks on - or Howard Lederer with a Paul Bearer like howl whenever the undertaker (Annie Duke) resurrects herself by laying bad beats on "the Ultimate Warrior" - Hullmuth (a name made for wrestling if ever there was one).

Poker and WWF? What a combo! Imagine the heads up match between Brett Hart and Yokozuna?