Thursday, September 07, 2006

Young Guns

Sig and I were walking home today, west down 49th street. Outside of the NBC studios, there are some photographers snapping pictures of someone, who is surrounded by a tiny group of fans - he's signing autographs.

"What's going on here?" I ponder to Sig, as I try to figure out who it is.
"TWENTY FOUR!" Sig is all over it - as Jack Bauer himself is standing there, signing autographs. He's not as short as people claim - about five-eight, but he's really skinny.

"Jack Bauer in the FLESH!" I blurt out, "What's up, Emilio?" but not quite loud enough for him to hear... Pause right there... Re-read the previous sentence.

Before I can realize my mistake, I'm off on a tangent with Sig about why Charlie Sheen isn't here with his brother, and how Charlie Sheen has the brain capacity to rival Paris Hilton. It's not until I get on the subway that I realize: KEIFER SUTHERLAND IS NOT EMILIO ESTEVEZ. Holy Crap. Of course everyone knows Keifer is Jack "Do you know who the fuck I am?" Bauer, but I think I had them melded in my brain from the Young Guns days, where, incidentally, it was Estevez who was the star.

I spent the remainder of my subway ride pondering what I would have said to Keifer if I got the chance to talk to him...

*shouting* "PUT THE PEN DOWN JACK! SLOWLY! DO IT NOW!" he probably doesn't get a lot of that thrown back at him...

"What does E-cuth look like without makeup on?" I wonder if he has a father-daughter relationship with her on set... Would he know who I meant if I said "E-cuth"?

I realized, however, that the best possible thing I could have possibly done was calmly walk up to him and say, "Hey Mr. Estevez - I'm a huge fan." Talk about implied tilt odds. I mean - do you think Keifer ever gets mistaken for Emilio Estevez? Would he go all Jack Bauer on me, ranting "Look kid, Emilio was top dog in Young Guns, but that was nineteen-eighty-fucking-eight! I won a motherfuckin' Emmy this year! Do you think Emilio won shit for Repo Man or Men at Work?"

Would he go into a rage and revert to a British accent, yelling at me for being an ignorant American? Would he smile and laugh, thinking I was a plant for Howard Stern, and clearly joking? Would he take it as a complement? We'll never know.

ahhh... woulda coulda shoulda.

until next time,