Wednesday, June 21, 2006

The Perfect Weapon

In college, I worked a few summers as a host and food runner at Legal Sea Foods in Chestnut Hill, MA. We'd get our share of "celebrities" - "The Human Highlight Reel" Dominique Wilkins, Mike Greenwell (yeah baby - Red Sox superstar for a very short time), former Celtic non-legend Eric Montross, and former Celtic legit-legend Robert "The Chief" Parish. I'll never forget the look on the old yenta's faces when Chief walked out of the dining room late Friday night, his head skimming the light fixtures - let's just say that there aren't a plethora of seven foot tall black men in Chestnut Hill. But the greatest story by far was

The Day Jeff Speakman Came to Town

It was a weekday at lunch - prime time for the restaurant, and we had an hour long wait for a table. I was using my charm, along with the similar skills of Josh, the other host, to pacify the throngs of fish-hungry patrons eager to sit. Suddenly, a woman comes up to our host stand, with full confidence, and explains, "I have Jeff Speakman in the car." Now you have to understand, Josh, myself, and Dave the Bartender are probably the only three people in the entire town who knew who Jeff Speakman was, but this woman, his agent, was acting like he was Tom Fuckin' Cruise or something.

We both reply in unison, "THE PERFECT WEAPON?"

She nods.

"Bring him in!" We declare, with no hesitation.

"Hey Dave," - I shout over to the bar - "Jeff Speakman is coming in!"

"THE PERFECT WEAPON?" Dave is down with it. We are laughing hysterically, realizing the irony of all three of us knowing this "star."

Speakman walks in, with another guy (sadly, NOT Michael Dudikoff, The American Ninja), and his agent, and we seat them in a table near the window. He has a head the size of a pumpkin - and hands like bear paws. Biggest friggin' head I've ever seen. His agent knows we're fans, since, well, we know who he is, and gives us business cards, telling us, "call me, I'll send you an autographed picture." I carried that business card in my wallet for at least 4 years, but I never did call.

Speakman's crew needed directions to the airport, and I got to go over and talk to him, drawing him a map on the back of the Legal Seafood placemat. Ahhh.. the good old days...

I saw Philip Seymour Hoffman on the street outside my apartment today - but even a brush with a Best Actor Oscar winner was nothing compared to the day The Perfect Weapon came to town.



Huge Junk said...

I met Brian Thompson

while out in Philly for work. Two guys actually walked up while my friends and I were buying him beers and shooting the shit, and went completely retarded in front of him because he was in some sci-fi series they were huge fans of. You would have thought the guy was Tom Fuckin' Cruise too.

And if I'm not mistaken, he said Jean Claude could kick that fat fucker Seagal's ass.

Vortex said...

Write something about poker you d-bag. Oh wait, you don't play anymore.

Blonde said...

Montross was the shit when he was at UNC. He lost his luster after that. I would recognize him solely because he was in rotation during my college masturabotory fantasies.

Last time I was in NYC I saw Susan Sarandon on the street and she is frightening ugly in person.

No pics of the dog today :( ?

CarmenSinCity said...

I will take this Jeff character over Tom Cruise any day!!!! Tom Cruise is a tool.