Bad Beat - Game Changer

I'm pretty speechless this morning. I knew it was going to be a crazy week before I even left for Vegas, but I didn't know that our financial regulators were going to drastically alter the rules of the game in the middle of the hand. I sat down to start to write an analogy to the house altering the rules in blackjack after you received your cards, but I'll abandon that and just hit some points:

The regulators, today, BANNED the short sales of 799 different stocks, almost all of which are financial stocks. I feel like we've been through this before, but for the non-financial savvy out there, let me spell it out again: the price of an asset, be it gold, oil, orange juice, or a share of Goldman Sachs, is the net "view" of what all market participants think it is worth at the time. I explained in detail how blaming "speculators" for rising oil prices was absurd, and blaming "short sellers" for the decline in stock prices is equally asinine. If you want to make yourself throw up in your own mouth, just think about both of those points combined. As I said previously:

We blame the "speculators" when prices rise against our will, and we blame the "short sellers" when prices fall against our will. This is patently, outright, ABSURD. I don't know how else to say it. We don't blame the equity "speculators" when stock prices go up, and we don't blame the oil "short sellers" when oil plunges from $150 to $100. We have our cake and eat it too.

Instead of vilifying people like Greenlight Capital's David Einhorn a "short seller," of Lehman Brothers stock who "stood to profit if the price of Lehman Brothers declined," (I put it in quotes cause these are the kind of talking points the press uses to brainwash the American public who knows no better) we should give Einhorn a medal for WARNING us about Lehman. Maybe if we'd LISTENED to him, instead of CRITICIZING him, Lehman Brothers would have addressed their problems and survived.

Another point on short sellers, for the brainwashed public: short sellers do not cause a company's stock to go to zero. If the short sellers are wrong and acting irrationally, then the LONG BUYERS will step in and buy the stock from the short sellers. It's a game where the stock price is the score - it measures the will of the longs vs the shorts. The problem now, is that the game isn't fair: you cannot short these stocks any more, so the prices are pure manipulation.

Earlier this week, Russia took an interesting step to halt the decline in their market - they simply closed it! Then, Russia's largest bank gave "stock market players" a large cash infusion so they could buy stocks to prop up the market! Sounds crazy right? Like market manipulation? See the difference between Russia, Venezuela, China, and the USA was that our market was FAIR. That ended today: we changed the rules to prevent one half of the market pricing mechanism (the short sellers) from acting. In addition, the government, who had decided not to "bail out" Lehman because of "moral hazard," decided to just bail out THE ENTIRE STREET. This latest "bail out" - which will probably be in the neighborhood of $500BILLION, basically results in the Treasury/Federal Reserve buying all the dog shit liabilities off the Wall Street Banks' books so that they can regain their liquidity. A number of financial blogs had taken to sarcastically labeling our country the USSA (Unites Socialist States of America) as we'd taken a decidedly communist turn when we SOCIALIZE losses (via bailouts) but privatize gains (when companies succeed). Now we've gone one step further and joined these lesser tier markets in directly manipulating the rules of the game.

I'm not exactly sure what happens to my ponzi scheme thesis now: I'm covering my bank short - the thesis that all these guys were insolvent and would go bust, while correct, is now pretty much dead. However, we still have to pay for this! I think what happens is that it takes years instead of months - we have a long, drawn out recession, and massive inflation as our Treasury continues to print more money to pay for all of this. Then, maybe China stops buying our debt, and we have real problems. We'll see.

The saddest part of this whole equation is Lehman Brothers. I have some good friends who work(ed) at Lehman, including a former boss of mine. It's kinda sick for Lehman how everyone got some sort of relief except them, and it illustrates an important lesson: the Treasury basically said that they'd let Lehman die because they had to put a cap on "moral hazard" at some point; at some point firms need to be held responsible for their decisions. The tragedy is that when this lesson extended to Hank Paulson's boys at Goldman Sachs (where Paulson was a partner previously), the officials did an about face - the Goldman Mafia squeezed the trigger, and Paulson came to the rescue, changing his tune. I guess moral hazard only applies selectively.

For now I'm taking a watch and wait approach to the markets, as I usually don't like to get involved in games where the rules are liable to change at any point in time. I'm also pretty depressed that our government leaders really seem to have no idea of how our markets actually work. Every time I hear a congressman blame short sellers for the problems (instead of the banks with 100-1 leverage who made bad loans), it makes me want to move to Canada.

good luck eh?

-KD

Interesting Times

Monday will be one of the more interesting days in our capital markets in the last several years. Over the weekend, the venerable Wall Street institution Lehman Brothers was the latest casualty - a sign that the Ponzi scheme is finally running out of buyers. Even more interesting, Merrill Lynch was basically forced by regulators into finding itself a suitor - which it did in the form of BankAmerica. Merrill was going to get pounded the same way Lehman did, and the Fed seemingly twisted their arm into merging.

The more interesting question is why BofA agreed to pay a premium (MER closed around $18, and BofA bid $29 per share in stock), when it seemed obvious that they'd be able to scoop MER for a discount if they so desired. It seems that BofA either a) is retarded, which is a possibility, considering their recent history of acquisitions (Countrywide Financial), or more plausibly: b) BofA decided to pay up for MER to try to shore up confidence in the financial markets, and essentially eat the premium they paid, in turn avoiding subsequent panic and systematic risk when MER would have followed LEH straight to zero.

This deal is especially surprising to me since it seems logically impossible that both sets of shareholders should want to approve the deal: if it's a good deal for MER because they had no alternative and were going to face the same fate as Lehman and Bear Stearns, then it's a bad deal for BofA because they overpaid. There is the odd probability that BofA is getting a quality asset (Merrill's massive retail brokerage network) at a discount price - and they had to pay up in order to preserve Merrill's franchise of brokers who would have likely walked if the stock plummeted. We'll see... I hope BofA didn't pay up for the sake of appearance - to inspire confidence - because as I've stated before, I don't think you can con your way through a Ponzi scheme of this magnitude.

Sadly, I will miss much of the action tomorrow on a plane. The good news is, I'm going to Vegas with the Big Show! Although I may be under-informed in terms of the rapidly evolving financial markets, I will hopefully have some blogworthy stuff to relay when I return. If you're looking for frequent stock market commentary that's not tainted by the mainstream media, check out Dealbreaker, and Barry Ritholtz's Big Picture Blog for the lowdown.

In the meantime, if any readers are in the Northeast (ie, Connecticut, Western Mass, Eastern NY State, NH, VT or Maine) - and live in a nice rural/suburban area - please tell me about it - the Dynamites will be looking for a new home eventually, and the task of relocating when you have no idea where you want to go is actually much more daunting than it sounds. We're looking to leave NYC because I want to be able to stay retired, and this city is too damn expensive to live in the style I've become accustomed to. I'll get into this deeper at another time.

until next time,

KD

Nice Hand Sir!

Wow - so many sigmas last night in ESPN's two hours of 2008 WSOP Main Event coverage from days 1C and 1D. If I told you that you'd see: Chuck Liddell owning Mark Seif, Phil Hellmuth surpassing all past doucheness, Phil Ivey throwing a stone cold bluff at TWO opponents who held second set and top two pair, Joe Hachem whining like a little bitch, a guy with no arms playing poker, Phil Laak disguised as an old man under heavy makeup, Chris Moneymaker making a donkey call that is horrible even for HIM, Mike the Mouth doing his thing, and Phil Ivey actually showing some anger - would you believe me? But that's not even the best part!

The highlight of the show came when ESPN did a little side feature on Donald Hobbs, a young man who was in a brutal car accident. It seems Hobbs is a big Chris Moneymaker fan, and while he was laid up in the hospital, Moneymaker found out about Hobbs and took the time to go play poker with the kid. In addition, Moneymaker bought Hobbs into the main event. Kudos, Chris, that's a classy and generous thing to do, and a good use of your poker celebrity. However, the gem was during Hobbs' poignant interview with the ESPN cameras off set, where he was describing his injuries. He had such a thick Kentucky accent, that the ESPN editors apparently didn't notice that he said "TITTY NIPPLE" when he was describing his injuries. He says, and I quote, "I got burned from my right titty nipple down to my kneecap." Well done Mr. Hobbs. I don't mean to make light of Hobbs' injuries, only that I'm fairly certain the reason ESPN didn't edit it is because they couldn't understand what he said. You can see it at 7:28 of this video:

While we're on the subject of the above video, make sure you check in at the 5:33 mark for Hellmuth's entrance, which, although it's early, practically locks up 2008 WSOP Douchebag of the Year (DBOTY) for him. I'll give Phil credit for at least urging everyone to support the troops, but he also gets douchebag points for thinking that nothing would make the troops happier than a visit from Phil Hellmuth. Hey Phil - what's with the riding crop? I'm pretty sure US Army generals don't carry riding crops.

Interestingly, another former WSOP Main Event champ, Salty Joe Hachem, attempted to give Phil a run for DBOTY, complaining like a bitch whenever he met resistance from a better hand, despite the fact that Hachem issued two sick beats early on: spiking a two outer on the river for most of his chips, and catching AK with his AQ by spiking a Q on the river.

Let's get back to Hellmuth. Did you watch that video clip of his entrance? You did? And you didn't put your fist through your computer monitor? Phil's absurd outfit almost made me rip the cable right out of the wall, but I had high hopes, because sitting directly to Phil's right was... The Iceman, Chuck Liddell! Liddell, the former UFC light heavyweight champ, had already politely turned down offers from his table mates to "knock out" Phil, but after seeing the WCD (world class doucheball) in person, I was optomistic that Liddell would unleash physical fury on him. Earlier, Chuck did manage to thoroughly confuse Mark Seif, even telling Seif that he had two pair, but getting paid off anyway.

I'm not going to give a play by play of the rest of the broadcasts, but suffice to say, everything I wrote in my first paragraph actually happened - watch the videos for yourself.

-KD

Vincent Arroyo Winery

Several years ago, Mrs. Dynamite and I visited Napa Valley for the first time. We enjoyed touring the Valley, tasting wine at a bunch of places, and quickly found a favorite in Vincent Arroyo Winery. When we returned to Napa several years later, I was shocked at how much things had changed: most of the wineries we visited seemed to have become purely commercial "Disney" enterprises - come in, pay a tasting fee (and these weren't $5 tasting fees, I'm talking about $10-$20 for tastings!), get a mass produced treatment, and leave. We didn't even go to any of the big name cookie cutter places you'd have heard of even if you've never been to Napa.

However, on our second trip, there was one thing that hadn't changed - the friendly treatment and extensive service at Vincent Arroyo. Although I am, of course, a big hitter, the folks at Arroyo don't know this, and took us on a back room tour, letting us taste their finest wines straight from the barrel - just because that's how they roll. Now, I'm hesitant to spill these secrets, as I don't want everyone to storm Arroyo winery and ruin what makes it so special - the fact that it's a smaller, less trafficked winery, which allows it to give its guests special treatment. Also, they actually care about customer service, clearly, which is especially essential in their field, as the wine tasting experience can be almost as important as the actual wine. The memories we have of Arroyo make their wine taste better to us - because we think back to the experience every time.

This year, we were in Sonoma, for the impending nuptials of the legendary Dirty Dave, and the Big Show, Erik the Nit, and yours truly treated our respective ladies to a Saturday of high class wine touring, courtesy of Dave Rasmussen at Eclectic Tour. Thanks to Dave's inside knowledge, we found another fantastic gem in Hawley Winery, a tiny family run operation in Dry Creek Valley. Mrs. Dynamite and I picked up matching t-shirts at Hawley, along with a bunch of wine.

Sunday morning, we wanted to take the Big Show and his woman to Arroyo, so they could see what we'd been raving about for years. I surprised everyone by wearing my new Hawley Winery t-shirt. "Isn't that like wearing the competitor's logo?" Mrs. Dynamite wondered, but I explained that I'd use it as a reverse psyche out to show Arroyo that they weren't the only play in the Kid Dynamite playbook, which would get us superstar treatment.

After calling to set up an appointment, we arrived at Arroyo around 11am. As we got out of the car, Vince himself came out of the shop, and put me to the test early: "What do you want?" He gruffly shot at me. Being the savvy consumer I am, IKWTFHW (I Knew Who The Fuck He Was) and calmly replied, "We want to taste your wine!" Having passed the test, Vince cracked a smile, put his arm around me, and led us into the tasting room, which is part of the winery. We were lucky that they had just finished bottling, and thus had a barrage of wines for us to taste - Arroyo sells a huge portion of their wine via standing customer annual orders (which I have, of course), so if we were there a month later they'd probably have been sold out of lots of stuff.

Having noticed that one of their vineyards was brand new, with tiny vine saplings, I asked Vince what had happened, and he responded by explaining that the grape yields in that vineyard had deteriorated due to old age, and had to be replanted. After pouring us fresh tastes, he led us out to the vineyard, where he got down on his knees, digging with his bare hands at the foot of the vine, and showed us how they grafted the vines onto the root stock. I was unaware that they don't plant "Cabernet" or "Merlot" - they plant a root stock that's suitable to the climate in that particularly place, and can then graft their choice of grape varietals onto it. Watching the patriarch of the Arroyo wine family digging in the loose soil with his bare hands to give us a lesson on a perfect September Sunday morning, we all smiled, feeling lucky, and I pitied the poor suckers paying $50 for an ounce of Opus One further down the Valley.

We ventured back inside to taste the rest of Vince's offerings, and Mrs. Dynamite insisted I add 3 bottles of the Cab Reserve to our order, which I promptly did. By this point, Vince was entertaining some other guests, but must have been within earshot, because when I asked the lady who was adjusting my order if it was possible to order some more of their 2000 Cab right now, she replied that I'd have to wait until they have their annual library sale. Vince popped back over, and asked, "Would you like to take one with you?"

That's an easy question. "You know where they are?" I asked him, as it had been explained to me that until the library sale, they didn't even know what their inventory of past releases was.

"I have it in my cellar," Vince explained. Ummm - ok - the guy whose name is on the wine is offering me bottles from his cellar? Let me think about it...

"Absolutely, thank you so much," I was pretty impressed.

Vince returned with his hands full, and explained to me, "I brought you three bottles - the 2000 cab, the 2001 cab, and the 1991 cab." I was speechless, shocked at the privilege. I looked at the woman who had been helping me, and made a motion to her that said "how much for these," but Vince cut me off - they were his treat. "You just have to tell me how you like them," he requested - DEAL.

Now - was this treatment a result of Vince fearing he'd lose me to Hawley? No - of course not - I'm guessing he was happy to have a young couple who clearly enjoyed his wine (that's me and Mrs. D) bragging in front of him to our friends (Big Show and his fiancee) about his winery, and relished our enthusiasm and the joy we got from drinking his "work." He was eager to share his wine, and I hope he knew it would be the highlight of our trip, and he should also know that it will make us loyal customers for life.

I'd like to say that we packed the wine up to bring home and save for a special occasion, but we didn't want to risk packing them in our luggage, and also, we were already in California for a wedding - a special occasion indeed. Within an hour, we'd gotten our bounty back to the hotel, and did a side by side comparison of the three wines, savoring them alongside a few cigars I'd brought along. So how did we like the wines? Vince, the answer is simple: they were unforgettable. Thanks again.

Kid Dynamite's tasting notes:

1991 Cab: "Holy crap that's good. This must be what really good wine tastes like."

2000 Cab: "This is an old favorite of mine - my go to "luxury" wine that I don't break out when I have company over - I want to hog it for myself"

2001 Cab: "I'm amazed at how similar this tastes to the 1991. Not quite as balanced, but seems a lot "smoother" than the 2000 Cab. Wicked good. This was Mrs. Dynamite's favorite."

-KD

Pokerlistings Run Good Challenge

I was lucky enough to be recognized as an Official Legend of the Internet, and invited by the good people at Pokerlistings.com to participate in a series of freerolls known as the PokerListings Run Good Challenge. Now, although I've been known to run bad, and I'm not a member of the poker-media-mafia A-list, Matt @ Pokerlistings had the good taste to recognize a cunning linguist when he reads one, and included me in the shenanigans.

After dominating my table for an hour, trying to hold my own in the chat-box banter-fest without offending anyone, and avoiding beats, I eventually felt the wrath of Dr. Pauly, when he dropped the hammer on me with his 7-2 vs my QQ. All-in preflop, he slammed running deuces on me and crippled me, taking the rest of my chips an orbit later when he, in the luckiest hand I've ever seen (sarcasm, see, it's supposed to be funny cause I am exaggerating), his 88 held up against my AT.

If you want to see all the legends who participated, and who will continue to participate for the next few weeks, check out Matt's post at Pokerlistings.com

As Pauly and Dan from Pokerlistings got into a lengthy (120+ hands!!!) heads up battle featuring numerous suck-resuck scenarios, the busted players, myself included, got involved in what turned out to be a very fun game of "type the dirtiest word you can that Pokerstars won't censor." Believe me, it's more fun that it sounds.

Eventually, Canadian Dan managed to finish off Pauly the Luckbox, and, since he was ineligible to win the prize money cause he works fro Pokerlistings, resulted in a skins-game-esque carryover of first place money until next week!

-KD

Yet ANOTHER Sign of the Apocalypse

As if you needed another sign... Can I short the Cincinatti Bengals?

via ESPN.com:

Bengals putting Ocho Cinco on No. 85 jersey

CINCINNATI -- Chad Johnson is no more. It's officially Chad Ocho Cinco in the NFL.

The Cincinnati Bengals announced Thursday that they have begun "the process of listing the former Chad Johnson as Chad Ocho Cinco for all club business, per the legal change of his surname effected in Florida.

"The list of appropriate changes will include Ocho Cinco wearing his new surname on the back of his jersey for Sunday's season opener at Baltimore."

Ocho Cinco officially changed his name to Chad Javon Ocho Cinco in Broward County, Fla., last week. The league had not changed his name on their Web site or the team's Web site.

"It's something I don't think anyone has ever done before," he told the Bengals' Web site last week. "Have I ever had a reason for why I do what I do? I'm having fun."

Two years ago, Johnson gave himself the moniker -- a reference in Spanish to his No. 85 -- and put it on the back of his uniform before a game. Quarterback Carson Palmer ripped it off before the kickoff. After the season, coach Marvin Lewis -- who dislikes Johnson's attention-getting stunts -- referred to the receiver as "Ocho Psycho."

Johnson has been a concern for the Bengals this season. He unsuccessfully lobbied for a trade in the offseason, threatening to sit out if he didn't get his way. When the Bengals refused, he relented and showed up for minicamp, but complained that his right ankle was bothering him. He had bone spurs removed from the ankle and was limited at the start of training camp. In the second preseason game, he landed awkwardly and temporarily dislocated his left shoulder. Johnson is wearing a harness and expects to play in the season
opener against Baltimore on Sunday.

I'll be in my bunker

-KD

Who Are The Ad Wizards That Came Up With THIS One?

I mean come on... She's like 16... "makes my taco pop" ???

Via WallStreetFighter


http://view.break.com/563916 - Watch more free videos

-KD

Veeps Schmeeps

Unfortunately, it will be impossible to avoid publishing some political rants over the next few months. Today, in lieu of a rant, I pose the following philosophical question: why should the personal lives of the candidates be off limits if they give us a look at the values they portray? Let me get more specific, while being fair to hit both parties:

Sarah Palin, the GOP VP candidate, was in the news the past few days because her unwed 17 year old daughter is pregnant. Does this matter? Well, I'd leave it to the words of another teenager - some random girl who was being interviewed on NBC or ABC or something, who said simply: "If she (Palin) can't control her own daughter, how will she control the Unites States of America?" Seems like a reasonable question to me.

On the other side of the ticket, I'm simply shocked that the Democrats are trumpeting Joe Biden's lack of personal wealth as if it is a testament to his character. Biden is the 99th wealthiest out of 100 senators. While that may be good for portraying him as the opposite of John McCain, it is not an admirable trait considering how well compensated he has been, and rather than lauding his net worth, listed as "between $70k and $150k," voters might do well to ask themselves how this man has managed to avoid saving any money. Strangely, I saw nothing critical written about Biden's lack of net worth, aside from a well written political blog in the free NY daily, AM New York, from Jeff Akston. The gist of Jeff's post is that Biden seems to be saying, "Put me in charge, and I'll burn through your money like I have mine!" In fact, I guess that makes him a good Liberal candidate after all...

Now THIS is what a real VP candidate should look like... I think this is one of my all time favorite YouTubes...

-KD

I Have A Dream

I would vote for Barack if he gives me just one:

"If you smelllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll... what Barack... is.... COOKING!"

Just once... that's all I ask...

-KD

Candid Camera?

So you still want poker content? Ok - suck on this one: this is probably the sickest situational beat I've ever taken. I say that because it's not so much the bad beat (ok, I'm spoiling the story) - as the situation it occurred under. I suggest you make sure you are sitting down and have nothing in your mouth - but you still may throw up on yourself. If you're into schadenfreude, then, this Bud's for you:

I've been running pretty bad lately- flopping sets against made straights, turning sets against unlikely flushes, getting big pairs cracked by J-8 on an 8-8-4 flop, etc. Nevertheless, this week I again returned to the green felt to battle with the demons of cold decks and bad beats, and try to get back on the winning track. Yesterday I ground out a small win, and today I had another win lined up: I was up about $950, and went to get a rack - I leave at 5pm every day, and it was 4:55.

"You made your rate today," Richie nodded to me, as he eyed my chips.

"A lot can happen in the next two hands Richie," I responded, but didn't think there was much of a chance of that, as I was just playing out the last two hands until my blind came around.

This is one of the side effects of being an EV Whore. As Dirty Dave would insist, once you've paid your blinds, you might at well look at all the hands until your next big blind - they are FREE! Kinda like the quote from Animal House: "Grab a beer - it don't cost nothin'." I always look at my free hands - there's no reason not to. The worst I can do is muck it if I don't like it!

So I muck the first hand, and then I'm under the gun. I have my chips racked up - they are actually IN the rack, which is on the rail in front of me. I toss the dealer my three odd $1 chips, and think silently to myself "just don't cold deck me on this last hand." I guess I should have said it out loud.

I look down at my first card: Ace of Diamonds. I smile. I'm praying I don't have to get involved in a maniacal deep stacked poker game out of position with AK or AQ on my last hand... And no such luck... my second card comes and I peel it: ace of clubs.

I calmly pull $10 out of the rack to call. We're playing $5-$10NL. Two more callers, and then a maniac in the cutoff makes it $100 to go. This is the same guy who stacked me in a $5k pot LAST Thursday when I flopped bottom set against his flopped straight. Anyway, I'm glad for the raise, as it gives me a chance to re-pop it.

I take one stack of greens out of the rack. Then another. I remove all my chips from the rack. People at the table snicker a little bit. Richie mumbles, "I'd love an x-ray view of those cards," and I am not fucking around: I make it $800 to go. The maniac only has about $1200, so I'm sending him the message that I'm not folding, and that he should just give up, I'll book my win and go home.

It's folded back to the maniac, who QUICKLY says "ok let's gamble" and pushes his chips in. I close my eyes, laugh, and call. I'm wondering if this is a joke - like did they set up the deck when I wasn't looking so I'd get cold decked on my last hand? I was LITERALLY one foot out the door - until I'd peeked back at the ace of clubs. He KNOWS I can't fold to his extra $300 with $1600 already in the pot.

So the dealer runs the cards, and it's all kinda a blur to me. Td 7c 8c..... the maniac doesn't do anything.... 7d on the turn.... 5d on the river, and before I can table my hand the maniac says "FLUSH."

I leap out of my seat, "WHAT?"

He turns over 3d 4d.

I look at the dealer, "WHAT THE FUCK?!?!" I am incredulous. Is this real? This is a joke right? Hah hah KD, we knew you were leaving and we set this up while you went to get a rack... just kidding....

Now look, I've taken beats before. I've taken beats of this exact type for double the amount - it's why the game is good. But here, the utter sickness of the situation shook me. The fact that I had my chips racked up and had even considered just walking away, but I couldn't leave the ONE FREE HAND! And even after getting sucked into a hand, getting it all in preflop, I was a 4-1 favorite! AIYAHHHHHHH!

I text Eric: "Holy fuck - you would not believe what just happened"

He quickly responds: "you are such a tease"

I call him up, and he answers, "I feel like this might be one of those 2 Girls One Cup situations - like I'd be better off if I just didn't know. Maybe you shouldn't tell me this story," but he can't resist - he knows it's a train wreck in the making, and cringes as I recount the hand. Eric was way too logical in the analysis of the hand - he thought that I was sunk my the middling T-8-6 flop, reasoning that my opponent gambled with a medium pair. Nope.

Then I hit up the Big Show, who gamely listens to the gore, and concludes: "It's a good thing you're rich, and hey - I birdied 17 and 18 today!"

Fahhhhhhhhhhk.

-KD

Take A Load Off Fannie

via Barry Ritholz's Big Picture blog.

oy vey.

-KD

Bajungi Tilt - Mega Post

I am somewhat inebriated right now. I can't remember if I've written about Bajungi tilt before.

In the levels of TILT, there are varying degrees: simmer, steam, boil, TILT, Mega tilt, and the highest level, Bajungi tilt (sometimes incorrectly transcribed as bajunky tilt).

Today, in my regular poker game, I lost a $5000 pot after flopping bottom set (44) on a 4-5-8 two diamond board in a raised pot, and running into a maniac who had flopped the nuts. Ok. Believe it or not, I wasn't tilted. I felt sorry for myself, I complained that I was running bad, I wasn't happy, but I realized that the hand played itself from my end. It was a cold deck.

So I went home and started drinking, as I threw in the new Phish Walnut Creek dvd and fired off a few texts to Dr. Pauly. I met up with a few of my college friends, and we went out for more drinking to one of my old haunts, the Barrow Street Alehouse. Most of the TVs in the bar were showing the Mets of Yankees games, but I was lucky enough to be facing two different TVs showing separate Olympics broadcasts.

There was one problem: the TV on the right was showing the Women's 100 mile Walk. cue: tilt. It doesn't take more than 5 minutes of watching competitive walking for me to skip the first few stages of tilt and cruise right into BOIL. Seriously - competitive walking?

Now, I happened to have it in my head that one of the rules of walking is that you cannot have both feet off the ground at the same time - and it turns out I was correct about this. I was a little surprised when they showed the lead walker, a Russian chick who would eventually WIN about 4 hours later - in a slo-mo replay where she CLEARLY had both feet off the ground.

I watched the Men's 200M last night, where Usain Bolt again dominated the field in an impressive performance - but what was notable was that both the second and third place finishers were disqualified after replays showed that they had stepped on their inside lane lines. But wait - in Olympic walking, according to the link I found above in a simple google search (and if you think I care enough to waste any more time on this, well, you overestimate my sympathy for Olympic walkers) - the infractions in walking must be seen by judges with the naked eye! This quelled my hope that the leader would truck along for the duration of the race, swinging her arms and looking like she had a dump in her pants, only to be told at the end that she had been disqualified for illegal steps in the third kilometer. (It turns out this was only a 20km event, not a 100 miler). What are the other requirements of racewalking? Swing your arms like you're trying to elbow your way to the front of a line, and don't let any of the dump in your pants spill down your legs? A friend I was with wondered aloud, "Why isn't running backwards an Olympic event?" Things got somewhat interesting when they showed a replay closeup of the lead women sticking her fingers down her throat!!! I'm not making this up! Is the 20km walk such a brutalizing event that the athletes need to make themselves puke in the middle of it? Most disappointingly, NBC did not show her puking! Brutal beat for the viewer. I mean, you remember when Uta Piipig pooped herself while she was running the 1996 Boston Marathon right? That was a frickin MARATHON! not a 12 mile WALK!

So anyway, I'm working into a voracious state of tilt, as the women's race walk refuses to abate, when the other TV begins to show the 100m relay prelims. First they show the men's relay, where the US team had qualified for the finals in EVERY Olympics except 1912 and 1988. I have never been a competitive relay runner. However, I was on the track and field team in high school, on a good, well coached team. Even though I was on the "field" side of the equation, I remember one thing clearly that we were taught, that I constantly see done differently by top class athletes: the passing of the baton. First of all, you NEVER turn around to receive the baton like this. That, however, is not where the US team went wrong.

Our high school coaches, and I'm hesitant to believe they were splitting the atom when they taught us this - made it clear that you receive the baton with your hand back and palm spread open with your fingers closed and thumb out - imagine the motion a 4 year old kid makes when he's learning to tell his left from his right hand (yeah - the LEFT hand make an "L") - then put that behind you. Now this is the IMPORTANT part: the runner who is doing the passing, puts the baton into his teammate's hand on the UPswing!!! Simple! Why? because the baton hitting the "V/L" of your thumb and index finger naturally results in your hand closing around the baton, and the hitting of a naturally open downward facing target.

Somehow, though, if you watch competitive relays, I'd say at least 85% of the competetors do either the "I've never received a baton before" move where they turn backwards and look over their shoulder, giving up significant time, or the baton passer passes the baton on the DOWNswing, which is completely unnatural for the receiver, and results in the passer trying to slam the baton into a narrower target.

Where was I? Oh yeah - the men's 100m relay. So the US men are cruising heading in to the last pass, and what happens - they go to do the exchange but Davis Patton went to hand the baton to Tyson Gay with an OVERHAND pass! Did I mention it was a rainy day in China? Gay missed the baton, and the US failed to make the finals for the third time in history.

I heated up to full TILT. It's not that I really care - but this is something that's been bugging me ever since I, the non-runner, learned it in high school, and I cannot comprehend how professionals still fuck it up. I'd love for a competitive relay runner who reads Kid Dynamite's World to tell my that I'm wrong about this and that the overhand pass makes more sense.

Anyway, NBC then showed the women's 100m relay. Would you be disappointed if I cut to the results and told you that THE EXACT F'N THING HAPPENED!?!??!?! cue: MegaTilt. Could the Weston High School track coaches in 1993 have been so far ahead of their time that the US Olympic Track Team still hasn't learned of their baton passing techniques? I just don't get it.

But wait... I'm not done yet. After enduring more than 90 minutes of the women's 20km walk, the race finally ended, only to be replaced by... wait for it... a REPLAY OF THE SAME RACE!

HOLY BAJUNGI TILT!

Water polo? beach volleyball? table tennis? weight lifting? wrestling? they have to show us a REPLAY of the 20km WALK that they just showed - in PRIMETIME on a THURSDAY night?!!? Is my advanced use of CAPITAL LETTERS getting my point across?

You got it. I'm on Bajungi.

-KD

Roast

If you missed the Comedy Central Roast of Bob Saget, I think they are replaying it tonight, and I'm sure it will be in their rotation for the next several weeks. The Comedy Central website has some clips, but you need to watch the broadcast for the full acts. I know what you're thinking - who gives a fuck about Bob Saget? That's not the point - if you've never seen one of these roasts before, all of the comedians basically just rip on each other, and then also rip on the featured roastee, in this case, Bob Saget.

Jeffrey Ross had the best line of the night, when he followed up "Bob Saget has two daughters in college, and three girlfriends in high school," with "Bob Saget's girlfriend is so young, R. Kelly won't pee on her." Great stuff.

Gregg Geraldo is also a very funny and no holds barred comedian.

In other news - did you see Usain Bolt's record setting 100m dash at the Olympics? Now, Michael Phelps' 8 gold medals was a tremendous feat, but for me, watching Bolt absolutely destroy his competition - slowing down for the last 30 meters, looking around, raising his arms before the finish, and STILL breaking the world record in a race as short as the 100m was the most dominant performance of the Olympics so far. I can't wait to see what he does in the 200m finals on Thursday morning. CNBC's Darren Rovell has an interesting conspiracy theory as to why Bolt didn't want to run faster. Basically, Bolt can probably get future endorsement bonuses for breaking the world record - so why would he want to lower the record to a point where he won't be able to break it again?

-KD

Ruminations

So, you may have noticed that I've been ruminating on the state of our financial markets lately. My basic view was pretty well echoed in this piece from James Quinn, senior director of strategic planning at Wharton. The essential quote is the last paragraph:

The U.S. banking system is essentially insolvent. The Treasury, Federal Reserve, FASB, and Congress are colluding to keep the American public in the dark for as long as possible. They are trying to buy time and prop up these banks so they can convince enough fools to give them more capital. They will continue to write off debt for many quarters to come. We could have a zombie banking system for a decade.

I am of the opinion, which Quinn echoes above, that we are walking a very fine line on very thin ice running a massive Ponzi scheme of deception and capital raising, hoping the government and the press can talk their way into the bottom of the market. Alas, I don't see this happening. And remember - when someone can't pay back their loan, it's not the lender's fault - it's the borrower's!

For reading through my bearish financial ramblings, I reward the reader with this "if-that's-not-crossing-the-line-it's-awfully-close" ad from Guiness, which supposedly Guiness denies making:

-KD

Well Said

from Barry Ritholz's Big Picture blog:

"Take A Report, the outrageous, raunchy, and at times, hysterically funny anonymous blog from an unknown Trader has been outed -- and fired.

Large -- thats the pen name of the trader/blogger who writes Take A Report -- worked at Citibank, and was shitcanned for "blogging during company hours." Or at least, that's the excuse they gave. (WHOOO-HOOO! Thirty day weekend!)

...

Here's a boffo idea:
Citigroup should swap out their Risk management team (who missed billions of dollars in bad buys of garbage paper) with their Compliance team -- who somehow spotted an obscure blog that never even mentioned Citi's name.

Someone should inform Citigroup Chief Executive Officer Vikram Pandit that the more important division is asleep at the switch, while the lesser division (AKA Department of Business Prevention) is sharp as a tack."

Well said Barry, nothing to add but quotation marks.

-KD

Let's Talk

See, the great thing about Kid Dynamite's World, apart from the fact that you the reader get to enjoy the benefits of me being a cunning linguist, is that I take requests. After the anonymous commenter who has since been outed as "Chris" requested poker content, I gave you poker content. Unfortunately, The Bracelet threatened Chris with bodily harm because his brain almost blew up pondering my multi-level thought analysis, so I'll pacify The Bracelet with this great clip he sent me the other day:



There's something about the Blackface Robert Downey Jr. that absolutely kills me.

Back to the readers: I played Pauly's Pokerstars Birthday tourney last night, and dominated it in my usual fashion. My problem is that I cannot resist a freeroll - it's in my blood - so when Pauly arranged for a $5k Borgata tourney seat and a few nights at the Borgata to be tacked onto the first place prize, I couldn't resist. This was a $5 tourney with about 550 entrants, so another $5k in the prize pool was a massive 200% overlay! Of course, I played for 3 1/2 hours, busted out in 10th place, and netted $23 for my troubles. Aiyahhh! I did have the pleasure of busting the venerable DonkeyPuncher, and several rabid Kid Dynamite fans were kind enough to say "hi" from the rail and complement my blog.

LJ left me a comment asking for comments on the WSOP - a few years ago I did an episode by episode recap of ESPN's coverage. I'm not doing that anymore, because apart from High Stakes Poker, all televised poker is basically a bunch of all-in confrontations edited for tv, and is generally not too interesting. I mean, I could write each week about how Phil Hellmuth is a douche, but really, what would that accomplish? I'll tell you what - we'll definitely have a special "Douchebags of the 2008 WSOP" post. Plus, I certainly don't want to stir up the wrath of William Rockwell again.

Speaking of endorsements, I've heard through the grapevine that one of the WSOP main event final tablists locked up a $1MM endorsement from PokerStars for wearing their logo at the final table, and another $250k from someone else - I think GatorAde. If this is true, then the mission has been accomplished by delaying the final table - the players are benefitting big time, even if it will result in a different final table dynamic.

A few readers commented on my Vegas trip reports - the problem, guys, is that I have to actually GO to Vegas to write a trip report... Fear not - it's been far too long, and something will happen soon with respect to that I hope.

Finally, I just finished my seventh consecutive losing session of NLHE - and these losses are signficant. I'm not too disturbed - the first thing I do after a session is think about how I could have played better. Sometimes I make poor decisions and lose. Sometimes I make good decisions and lose - as long as my decision making is sound, I can tolerate the losses - and I feel like I've been playing some of my best poker lately. Unfortunately, all I have to show for it is a long string of multiple 4 figure losses in my spreadsheet. When someone tells me they play poker, or want to play poker, the first thing I ask them is, "How big is the biggest pot you ever lost?" Poker is an easy game when you're winning - but when you lose, via bad beats, bad decisions or a combination of both, and take sustained losses for a period of time, you will find out exactly how good a poker player you are.

Since I finished 10th in Pauly's prestigious tourney last night, I know that I'm still a world class player.

-KD

Poker?

An anonymous commenter wants poker content... hmmmm... Long ago, this started as a poker blog - it was really so that I didn't have to send my friends a bunch of emails - they could read the blog and comment on the hands as desired. Eventually, I realized that most of my recaps were pretty boring after a while, and that almost every poker question always comes down to "it depends."

Now I play poker daily, and I usually have a good reason for my decisions, so I don't feel the need to post hands here - 80% of them would be bad beat or cold deck stories anyway. Still, today I played a pretty interesting hand, so, for your poker starved enjoyment:

5-10NL, I have $2600.

$20 straddle, and I look down at black 9-9. I make it $80, and get called 4 times, I'll act 3rd out of 5 on the flop.

the flop is: K-8-6 rainbow.

Check-check to me, and I bet $225. Folded around to a loose-aggro player to my immediate right who had been the straddle. We'll call him Laggro. Laggro smooth calls.

turn: 7, making two clubs.

Laggro open shoves. He has me covered. Hmmmm.

This is probably an easy fold (and I eventually folded), and I've lost many a pot by trying to get into 9th level thinking and reason that I must have the best hand, making a hero call and pushing my stack to my opponent when he shows me the nuts, but lets talk about it: Laggro probably has a) hand like KT or K9 b) bottom two pair c) a pair and a straight draw d) complete air

I think he puts me on AceKing. My next question is - does he expect me to call with AK? or fold it? He thinks I'm a tight player... he can't really expect me to call $2300 here with AK - but then again, he knows that I know that he knows that... blah blah blah.. Laggro is a thinking player, and I can certainly apply multi-level thinking to my analysis here, but in the end, I think it's just too thin to call here with the hope that he's just trying to induce a fold.

The good news is that I have outs if I'm trailing, as I've picked up an open ended straight draw. If your advocating a call, would you still be advocating a call if the turn were a deuce instead of a seven?

Perhaps a more interesting question is, if I had AK, would I call here? I'm really not sure...

Now, a few more data points:

1) Laggro has thrown big air balls at other players in similar situations - got called and shown absolutely nothing. So I know he can throw a pure bluff. Then again, I know that he knows that I know this...

2) we played a pot earlier in the day where it was 5-10, 4 people called $10, and he made it $125 from the SB. Knowing that he views me as tight, and having had previous days where he's told me "I'm giving you no action today," I decided to get aggressive with my 88, and made it $425 - leaving me $665 behind. He smooth called me, pushed on the 7-6-2 two heart flop, and showed down Ac6c which was no good.

So. Anonymous Commenters - discuss.

-KD

Festivus Feats of Strength

I don't ask for much.  This "blog" is a whore free zone - I don't shill products I don't use, I don't plug my throngs of readers with Google AdWords junk, and I don't pimp requests for donations from other people.  Thus, when you read this post about how you should donate to my friend Jeff LeBlanc's fundraising effort for Alzheimer's research, you can be sure there's a good reason.

The main reason for me is that Jeff accomplished a superhuman feat.  He ran 100 miles in just under 24 hours.  I have massive respect and awe for that.  Jeff's grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's last year, and his fiancee lost her grandmother to Alzheimer's several years ago.  Several months ago Jeff, who is active in the Alzheimer's Association, sent me an invite to an event they were having at a NYC club to raise money.  Discussing it with him, he gave me the impression that it wasn't a big deal for him if I came to the event.  I didn't.  When he told me about his run, however, no discussion was needed:  if you're running 100 miles, I'm making a donation.  I have another friend who dealt with Alzheimer's with his father, but I never got motivated to contribute or urge others to contribute until now.  I have been working out very regularly since November, but I'm certain I haven't had a MONTH where I ran 100 miles.  Jeff's feat is noteworthy, and he has earned attention (and awe) for his cause.

Read Jeff's recap of his feat, and if it moves you, please donate to his cause.

-KD

Pot Committed?

I mean, seriously - what more can you say? This guy tried to bet a bag of weed at a blackjack table. He later explained to officers that this was not illegal, because he had his "Cannabis Club" card which he got from the internet.

-KD

Would You Be Surprised?

I mean seriously - would it surprise you if the video below were NOT a satire?

New Wearable Feedbags Let Americans Eat More, Move Less

Continuing my Wall Street commentary; Jim Cramer had some comments on the whole (ridiculous) short seller conspiracy today in the NY Times. Cramer is generally a die hard bull, and he definitely knows how the trading markets work. Although ignoramuses will misread Cramer's piece as another rant against short sellers who destroy companies, don't miss the most important point from Cramer is his closing line:

“You simply can’t bring down an honest, well-capitalized firm,” he wrote. “It will buy every share from you and take it right back up again in your face."

Big Jimbo recognizes the essential fact that companies like Bear Stearns and IndyMac only go out of business when there are actual problems with their businesses - not because mythical short sellers cause their problems.

-KD

The Worst is Yet to Come

A few weeks ago I wrote my thoughts on the ricockulousness (*ri-cock-ulous-ness* -that's something that's 10x crazier than ridiculous) of blaming speculators for high oil prices. Today, I was very surprised to get an email from Delta Airlines titled "An Open Letter to All Airline Customers" - from 12 Airline CEO's.

The contents of the letter are as follows:

Our country is facing a possible sharp economic downturn because of skyrocketing oil and fuel prices, but by pulling together, we can all do something to help now.

For airlines, ultra-expensive fuel means thousands of lost jobs and severe reductions in air service to both large and small communities. To the broader economy, oil prices mean slower activity and widespread economic pain. This pain can be alleviated, and that is why we are
taking the extraordinary step of writing this joint letter to our customers.

Since high oil prices are partly a response to normal market forces, the nation needs to focus on increased energy supplies and conservation. However, there is another side to this story because normal market forces are being dangerously amplified by poorly regulated market speculation.

Twenty years ago, 21 percent of oil contracts were purchased by speculators who trade oil on paper with no intention of ever taking delivery. Today, oil speculators purchase 66 percent of all oil futures contracts, and that reflects just the transactions that are known. Speculators buy up large amounts of oil and then sell it to each other again and again. A barrel of oil may trade 20-plus times before it is delivered and used; the price goes up with each trade and consumers pick up the final tab. Some market experts estimate that current prices reflect as much as $30 to $60 per barrel in unnecessary speculative costs.

Over seventy years ago, Congress established regulations to control excessive, largely unchecked market speculation and manipulation. However, over the past two decades, these regulatory limits have been weakened or removed. We believe that restoring and enforcing these limits, along with several other modest measures, will provide more disclosure, transparency and sound market oversight. Together, these reforms will help cool the over-heated
oil market and permit the economy to prosper.

The nation needs to pull together to reform the oil markets and solve this growing problem.
We need your help. Get more information and contact Congress by visiting www.StopOilSpeculationNow.com.

Ok folks, now here's the truth: most airlines didn't do what they were supposed to do - which is to hedge their fuel costs by locking in prices (buying futures) in the oil futures market. Southwest, on the other hand, hedged the majority of their costs, and is doing well comparatively. The airline industry as a whole made some poor business decisions and they are begging for you to try to help blame their way out of it by complaining to congress, and labeling speculators as the Evil Doers.

"Southwest Treasurer Scott Topping, considered the guru on hedging for the airline, said the carrier jumped into hedging in “a big way” in 1999 when oil was at $11 a barrel.

Since then the airline has hedged 70% to 80% of its anticipated fuel use every year, more than any other airline. The airline said it saved $727 million last year by locking in lower fuel prices in prior years.

So far, the carrier hasn’t had a year when it lost money on fuel hedges." (quote from the LA Times)

I was almost surprised to see Southwest's CEO's stamp on the bottom of the letter (along with Delta, American, Midwest, Jetblue, Hawaiian, Continental, US Air, United, Northwest, Airtran and Alaska) - I was hoping he'd be sitting there laughing at the other airlines for being ignorant douchebags, but I guess he didn't want to break ranks with the Airline Mafia.

Let me reiterate some important points again, in case they missed their mark the first time: 1) Oil is a global asset - its price is not set by a few rich guys in NYC, New Jersey, or Texas evil-ly "speculating" and fucking the whole world over. 2) Free markets result in the most efficient and accurate pricing of assets. 3) Oil prices are going up because there is demand for oil! Prices are forward looking, and future demand looks to be quite strong, on account of massive growth in India and China.

Now, one reason all commodities (from oil, to gold, to paladium, to wheat and corn) have gone up in price is that commodities have become an ASSET CLASS over the last 10 years - which has resulted in billions of dollars of money from pension funds, insurance companies, retirement accounts, and hedge funds flowing into the sector. Whereas many years ago people though in terms of 85% stocks, 15% bonds, or some other asset allocation, now it may look more like 60% stocks, 20% commodities, 20% bonds. But again, the reason it became an asset class is because people realized that there were ways to invest in it and that emerging markets economies would likely drive demand for many commodities, which in turn would drive prices higher. Just as during the internet bubble it didn't make sense to forbid people from buying stocks, it doesn't make sense to forbid people from buying commodities right now. And oh, by the way - this is exactly why the stock market had such a big run over the last 25 years too - eveyone in America started investing in mutual funds, instead of just clipping coupons and redeeming savings bonds - but you don't see people complaining about speculators driving the price of stocks higher.

What concerns me, again, is that when the airline industry resorts to this lame duck crybaby attempt at blaming others for their own failures to hedge their costs of doing business, it's a clear sign to me that things are still going to get worse.

-KD

Camel Towing!

Ding Dong Ditch

Saturday afternoon I was sitting on the couch with Mrs. Dynamite and Oscar, watching TV, when the doorbell rang around 3pm. Now, in general, if you're ringing my doorbell, you better either be a) an expected guest, b) a friend of mine, or c) delivering something I ordered or would otherwise want.

One main annoyance is that my doorbell sounds like Buffalo Bill's doorbell at the end of Silence of the Lambs - you know - almost like a fire alarm bell - and Oscar also goes berserk whenever the doorbell rings, channeling his inner guard dog. The other main annoyance is that, well, cold calling me on the phone is one thing - but cold-ringing my doorbell? DYKWTFIA?

I climbed up the stairs (that's right baby - my apartment has stairs - again - DYKWTFIA?) and buzzed the doorbell. No one came in - I guess the offender had been deterred by the 15 second delay as I trekked up from downstairs. Curious, I walked out to the main door, and opened it, where I was greeted by a fresh faced young lady who had returned to my stoop as she heard me buzzing the door, but had not been quick enough to open it. Normally, I'm at least civil to people, but as soon as I saw "Democratic National Committee" on this girl's shirt, I unceremoniously cut her off before she was two words into her schpiel, telling her "I'm not interested" and allowing my door to slam loudly in her face.

What I really don't get is why the Democrats waste their time campaigning in my neighborhood - I live in what I'd assume is one of the most liberal neighborhoods in the ENTIRE COUNTRY. In the 2004 election, Kerry beat Bush in my neighborhood by almost a 7-1 margin (I just spent 20 minutes tracking down that information to prove my point). So seriously - if you're going to campaign, do it somewhere where you'll make a fucking difference.

In other news, I found this site with (possibly fake) attempts at cyber-sex chat gone wrong to be extremely funny. Mrs. Dynamite and the Big Show, however, failed to see the humor. I was laughing out loud at my pc this morning reading some of these... an example:

<Bloodninja> Wanna cyber?
<MommyMelissa> Sure, you into vegetables?
<Bloodninja> What like gardening an shit?
<MommyMelissa> Yeah, something like that.
<Bloodninja> Nuthin turns me on more, check this out
<Bloodninja> You bend over to harvest your radishes.
<MommyMelissa> (pause)
<MommyMelissa> is that it?
<Bloodninja> You water your tomato patch.
<Bloodninja> Are you ready for my fresh produce?
<MommyMelissa> I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables... Can you make it a little more sexy for me?
<MommyMelissa> (pause)
<Bloodninja> I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach... Sexily.
<Bloodninja> I ride your buttocks, like they were amber waves of grains.
<MommyMelissa> Grain doesn't really turn me on... I was thinking more along the lines of carrots and zucchinis.
<Bloodninja> my zucchinis carresses your carrots.
<Bloodninja> Damn baby your right, this shit is HOT.
<MommyMelissa> ...
<Bloodninja> My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.
<MommyMelissa> What the fuck is this madlibs? I'm outta here.
<Bloodninja> Yah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can't see. Bitch.
<MommyMelissa> whatever.

until next time

-KD

Take THAT Netflix!

From the guys at WallStreetFighter comes this link - for a company that is basically the Netflix of sex toys. I don't really know what more can be said about this...

-KD

Odds & Ends

- From Benjo via Pauly comes the Angle Shoot of the Year:

"Benjo told me a hilarious story about how Bellagio hookers were trying to cash tournament chips at the cage. Apparently, a couple of horny and angle-shooting poker players removed $1,000 denomination tournament chips out of play. They used those chips to pay off hookers, who were not very bright and accepted the chips in return for sexual favors. Of course they did not read the fine print on the chips where it said it's not legal tender and only a tournament chip. Horny Poker Players 1, Dumb Hookers 0."

- The Bracelet posted a tremendous true story about his visit to the ultrasound technician to get his nutsack wanded. This story is MULTI-sigmas, and made me laugh out loud at least 3 times.

- I liked the parody better, but if you want to watch the actual Shaq rap, you can find it here. I'd embed it on this page, but it's really, really horrible.

- You should continue to check in daily with the boys at WickedChopsPoker for all the daily WSOP action, gossip and behind the scenes rumblings.

-KD

Tell 'em How My Ass Tastes!

One of my new favorite videos - these are the actual words of Shaq's rap that made headlines this weekend for "dissin'" Kobe.

Yay Capitalism!

Oh, smashing, groovy, yay capitalism! - Austin Powers

I find it shocking that our capitalist nation, the United States, keeps suggesting decidedly socialist solutions to the rising price of oil, such as interfering in the free markets that set the price, and imposing extra taxes on companies who are making money as the price of oil rises.

On the other hand, communist China comes up with the simple capitalist solution: raise prices to curb demand! What is so hard about that? "Oil prices dropped Thursday morning on reports that China is raising fuel prices, a move that could dampen the booming Asian nation's oil consumption." Associated Press 6/19/08

It troubles me that American leaders trumpet insane blame game theories about speculators being the cause of the rising prices. Oil is a global asset. Speculators do not set prices - free markets set prices. If speculators drive oil up to prices that are out of whack with the natural (supply and demand) equilibrium, the prices will come down. That's a fact - it may take longer than 3 weeks or 3 months - but it will happen - that is, if it's the fault of the speculators, which I do not believe it is.

Instead of blaming oil companies for making money, or speculators for expressing their opinions (that's all speculators do you know - they take a view on a price being too high or too low, and then sell or buy respectively. It's really no different from when anyone trades stock in their own account - we are all SPECULATING that the prices of the stocks we own will go higher), we can do things about it if we don't like the high price of oil. Buy a car that gets better gas mileage. Use public transportation. Car pool. My dad bought a fireplace fan device and a cord of wood - he'll use less heating oil this year because he'll burn wood instead - WE HAVE CHOICES!

Americans need to understand that $2.50 a gallon gasoline is not a birth right we have. Europeans pay over TWICE what we do for a gallon of gas! $8.67 a gallon in England, and $8.90/gal in Germany! If you want government subsidized gas, MOVE TO CHINA! But beware, even the communist Chinese have SENSIBLE capitalist tricks up their sleeve, and if your Hummer uses too much of their cheap fuel, they've shown that they'll take advantage of the most basic capitalist price/demand theories to restore equilibrium.

-KD

I can't Help It

Ok, look - I WANT to pretend I'm mature enough not to giggle about this, but, fuck it - I'm not.

I went to CVS today to pick up a prescription, and there was a girl in front of me in line. Now, we've all bought condoms before, it's no big deal, but this girl had two 12 packs of Magnums in her hand, AND, here's the kicker - a bottle of Astroglide.

Now, never mind the fact that I could probably use a Trojan Magnum as a freakin' SLEEPING BAG - the sheer volume of king sized lubricated protection, combined with the need for additional friction-mitigating substance had me calmly pursing my lips.

In poker, we have the concept of multi-level thinking.

Level one: I know what my hand is. I am here to pick up a prescription for some antibiotic cream because I have knerpes - that's knee herpes: it's a simple rash on my knee (note: not really herpes)

Level two: What does my opponent have? Well, she has the tools to make for a very active weekend, with a partner who apparently has a gigantic hammer.

Level three: What does my opponent think that I have? Well, she probably doesn't know I have knerpes, cause she's in front of me in line. And I have no idea what prescription she's picking up.

Level four: What does she think that I think that she has? See, this is the fun one, cause we both know that she knows that I know that she's got two jumbo packs of Magnums and a bottle of Astroglide (thankfully, it appeared to be a normal sized bottle of Astroglide - if she had the pint sized I don't think I'd have been able to stifle a chuckle). She knows she's gonna get seriously slammed this weekend. I KNOW she's going to get seriously slammed this weekend. She knows that I'm judging her, but she may not know that I know the extent of her plans, and she's trying to act nonchalant about it.

No post about lube would be complete without the following video from Superbad:



until next time,
-KD

If You Smellllllllllllllll What Barack is Cookin!!!

Insta-favorite. The Rock Obama is much better than either The Rock, or Obama on their own.

Mmmmmmm Lesbians

So at least it's not just Americans who launch frivolous lawsuits - the below is from a cnn.com article.

Three islanders from Lesbos told a court Tuesday that gay women insult their home's identity by calling themselves lesbians.

Paul Thymou, who lives on the Greek island Lesbos, protests at a gay group using the word "lesbian" in its title. The plaintiffs -- two women and a man -- are seeking to ban a Greek gay rights group from using the word "lesbian" in its name.

Also known as Mytilini, Lesbos was the home of the ancient poet Sappho, who praised love among women. It is a major travel destination for gay women. The Homosexual and Lesbian Community of Greece "causes confusion by using a geographic term in connection with (the group's) special character and social action," said Dimitris Papadelis, a lawyer representing the plaintiffs.

A spokeswoman for the group accused the plaintiffs of homophobia.

"I believe ... the other party's intentions were purely racist," Evangelia Vlami said. "They showed that what bothers them is a specific sexual orientation."

"What will they do next, sue the United Nations? They, too, use the term lesbian," Vlami said.

Plaintiff Dimitris Lambrou has insisted the lawsuit "is not an aggressive act against gay women."Lawyers from both sides are to submit written arguments on Wednesday, and the court is expected to issue its decision in the next six months.

In other signs of the pending apocalypse, Gennifer Flowers and Paula Jones are offering Internet viewers the lurid details of encounters they claim they had with former President Clinton -- for $1.99 a pop.

The women, who gained notoriety in the early 1990s after claiming to have had sexual encounters with Clinton when he was governor of Arkansas, have created a Web site offering videos of their thoughts on Clinton, his wife Hillary and other matters. Each video segment is available for $1.99.

Hey ladies - Hillary is out. No one gives a shit. I tried to find the website, but gave up after 5 minutes, since, hey - I DON'T GIVE A SHIT! In the words of Jack Nicholson's Colonel Jessup from A Few Good Men, "I'm a fair guy, but this fucking heat is making me absolutely crazy." I feel the need to quote that whenever the temperature soars to inhuman levels here in New York - 96 degrees in NYC yesterday!

-KD

These Are My Friends

I'm back in Boston for my 10 year college reunion. Walking around town today, I walked right into Kobe Bryant, being trailed by a video camera and an assortment of local Murphs and Sullys harassing him to sign stuff, which Kobe appeared to be politely refusing. I texted several of my friends: "Just walked by Kobe on the street" and within minutes got the following replies:

Big Show: "U punch him in the junk?"
Dan: "Punch him in the balls"
Jeff: "Kick him in the nuts for me"

Gotta hand it to Boston fans on their never ending desire to punch the opposing team's superstar in the junk.

Although my fanaticism for the Celtics waned in the wake of Larry Legend's retirement, I still get psyched for this finals match up with the Lakers. When I was growing up in the 80's, either the Celtics or the Lakers (and sometimes both) made the finals EVERY year in the 1980s. EVERY year. Also, in the 1960's, Bill Russell's Celtics annually pummeled the Lakers in the Finals. I guess every 20 years we get to re-enact this classic clash of NBA titans.

BEAT L.A.!

-KD

If I Were A Golfer, I'd Be Excited About This

Although I don't golf, I still get excited by innovative products like this.

In other news, the World Series of Poker has begun! Check out Chops and Pauly daily for all the updates you'll need.

Finally, if you're thinking about killing yourself, but still have a little bit of will to live, watch this video and it will put you over the edge.

-KD